Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever read the nutrition facts on a bottle of water??? It does nothing for you people!!

   Something's been eating away at me for a while. (It's nothing that a simple drive out of Miami won't cure.)

   Went to the Bunmy Ranch but it was closed:( The sign said "We're Closed! Beat It!

   I'm guilty of singing songs that I don't know all the words to, but for that 15 seconds I do know, I own that sh*t.

   Children Ruin Everything Around Me (C.R.E.A.M.)

   Sandusky's soap on a rope will be used to cork his pie-hole to stifle his screams. Payback is a biatch.

   Never trust a woman that has friends.

   Keep your friends close, and your enemies in a freezer.

   "Polishing the Menorah" is not a euphemism for what Uncle Irv is doing in the bathroom.

   like a Candy Cane – sweet but very twisted

   Every town has a "pink" house. Really, what the hell is up with that?!?

   Strong just means you suck up the pain better not that it doesn't hurt.

   How many times of day can you worry about being pecked to death by a flock of seagulls before it finally comes true?

   did anyone else notice that many passengers on the Concordia cruise ship said that it was like a scene out of the Titanic? I've been asking myself which 1 and now I've limited it down to 2 options-The steaming car scene and the nude portrait one. Must be!

   Whenever my girlfriend gives me stuff to do I just add it to my bucket list.

   A girlfriend once told me, "You only ever hear what you want to hear!" "Thank you," I replied. "You're right, I am amazing."

   In't it amazing how peeps will always remember exactly what they were doing when they found out JFK & Lennon were murdered? So much easier these days though.. What were you doing when you learnt MJ, Winehouse and Whitney had died? Browsing FB of course!

   Gotta lay off watching so many conspiracy documentary's......convinced myself the Dawg had the ability to read my mind, staring at me for like half an hour....turns out its water bowl was empty!

   Eye Doctor: Sir, you're color blind. Me: Wow, that came out of the gray!

   Different ways to say "NO": German: Nein - Russian: Niej - Arabic: La - Women: Yes, but ...