Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know what I hate?..when my key ring starts to fill itself up with unknown keys. Where do these extra keys come from?

   i'm not lazy. i'm just highly motivated to not do anything.

   So proud of my lil' hound dog. Taught Her to sit and lay down on command in less than five minutes. With treats of course. Just that much closer to the final lesson of Go fetch Daddy a beer!

   I've noticed that the majority of girls with a Facebook username that claims they are hot, sexy, pretty, or da baddest, 99% of the time are not all that and are the complete opposite of what they claim to be.

   'Anonymous' is a film about how Shakespeare was really a no-talent hack, by the guy who made 'Godzilla' & '10,000 BC.'

   Most surprising thing about yesterday's 16-hour NBA talks: It was only 2 hours of talks, and 14 hours of "Y'all Ready for This?

   When Someone Asks For Candy That I'm Eating, I Give Them The Flavor I Don't Like

   Do as I say not as I Facebook

   "No I didn't trip. The floor looked like it needed a hug."

   I'd like to thank the TSA for keeping Americans safe by taking that full-body scan naked photo of my Mom.

   Ever read the nutrition facts on a bottle of water??? It does nothing for you people!!

   Something's been eating away at me for a while. (It's nothing that a simple drive out of Miami won't cure.)

   Went to the Bunmy Ranch but it was closed:( The sign said "We're Closed! Beat It!

   I'm guilty of singing songs that I don't know all the words to, but for that 15 seconds I do know, I own that sh*t.

   Children Ruin Everything Around Me (C.R.E.A.M.)

   Sandusky's soap on a rope will be used to cork his pie-hole to stifle his screams. Payback is a biatch.

   Never trust a woman that has friends.

   Keep your friends close, and your enemies in a freezer.

   "Polishing the Menorah" is not a euphemism for what Uncle Irv is doing in the bathroom.

   like a Candy Cane – sweet but very twisted