Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   slipped on some black ice and is now missing a wallet and watch

   If you teabag someone that is allergic to nuts, is that considered attempted murder?

   After the age of 35, people start losing 7,000 brain cells a day. That number is tripled if they have a Facebook account.

   that most of the status updates published here in the last 4 months has become soooo lame.. nothing creative..

   sometimes instead of poking you, I just press my finger against your profile pic and do that little coochie coo motion and whisper "girlfriend".

   Michelle Obama is definitely getting the D tonight!

   The answer to the Westboro Baptist Church protests of military funerals is to aim the 21 gun salute at them.

   Question ... Which Democrat candidate has given up any of their earnings in the name of income inequality? Answer .... Neither .... They are both hypocrites!!!

   K-Mart is noting the 5 year anniversary of Michael Jackson's death by having children's clothing half off.

   Here's an idea: Let's put the MSM in quarantine for 30 days to stop the spread of Fake News.

   if at first you don't succeed, won't hurt to smoke some weed

   such an adrenaline junky that when I see a 'caution wet floor sign' I walk faster

   I saw a nun on a wheelchair today and I could think of is.... Virgin mobile

   Dont let those people hurt you when they call you fat. Just keep your chins up!!

   Dont Bring Skittels To A Gun Fight

   Vick is abusing those cowboys worse than he did his dogs

   This girl came up to me and said she recognized me from vegetarian club. I think she was mistaken. I'd never met herbivore.

   Roses are gray, Violets are gray, Crap. I'm a dog

   rip joe paterno - his glasses will be donated to science and studied to see if they allow you to see anything!!

   roses are red, violets are blue...valentine's crap is over now don't you have some ironing to do?