Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Can I have a cake please?" "Oh what's the special occasion?" "I'm fat"

   if you had to use a treadmill to re charge your cell phone we would all be health nuts!

   Sometimes I'll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he's reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

   Bad news: I stepped in gum... Good news: it still had flavor left.

   When people ask me Plz because it’s shorter than please, I tell them no because it’s shorter than yes.

   31 States, 1618 Languages, 6 Major Religions, 29 National Festivals, 1 Country!! Happy Independence Day INDIA

   Ariana Grande is just a fancy way to order a medium ariana.

   if you're sad about being single, especially with Christmas around the corner, just remember even Charles Manson found someone to marry him. So there's hope for you yet! Have a good day everybody!!

   Girls who wear jeggings with small shirts we get it, you give toothy blowjobs.

   90% of the time, haters only exist in people's heads.

   How much for the angry lawn gnome? Hey, that's my toddler.

   Your password must contain at least 8 letters, a capital, a plot, a protagonist with good character development, a twist and a happy ending

   I wish boobs did the bra thing without having to wear the bra

   I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors.

   a pessimist sees the glass half empty. a possumist sees the glass as a giant possum. sometimes jokes don't make much sense.

   Heard Dominos is coming out with a pizza in honour of Tom Brady...one half of its covered and its called the "incomplete"...

   My New Year's resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.

   Cheerleaders who scream "Give me a D" have no idea what they are asking for.

   In an effort to help keep the media from miss identifying guns... Websters has agreed to change the word "Firearm" to "AR-15"...

   "He's alright when you get to know him" .. Translation:.. "He's a twat, but you'll get used to him"