Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you watch 127 hours in rewind it is actually a really nice film about a disabled man finding an arm in the desert.

   What's on the board: 2•54/57(7+5/8)²•ab-c³ What teacher sees: 2+2=4 What you see: すきうせちし what you remember: ______.

   To do List: Grab a random kid by the shoulders and scream. "IM YOU...FROM THE FUTURE!"

   You were so beautiful, until your 30 day trial of Photoshop ended.

   I wish R.I.P Meant - "Return If Possible"

   The less you know about someone, the easier it is to love them.

   It sucks when you wanna throw a brick at someone's face, but you can't, because you don't have a brick.

   the fact that Pitbul is considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.

   You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. You can’t teach a cat anything, ever.

   Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.

   it too late to make my Facebook movie?!?!

   The Billboard Music awards was the other night and there was an amazing hologram of Michael Jackson. He performed a new song called "Slave to the Rhythm." It was so realistic, Tito actually asked it for money.

   For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

   "Can I have a cake please?" "Oh what's the special occasion?" "I'm fat"

   if you had to use a treadmill to re charge your cell phone we would all be health nuts!

   Sometimes I'll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he's reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

   Bad news: I stepped in gum... Good news: it still had flavor left.

   When people ask me Plz because it’s shorter than please, I tell them no because it’s shorter than yes.

   31 States, 1618 Languages, 6 Major Religions, 29 National Festivals, 1 Country!! Happy Independence Day INDIA

   Ariana Grande is just a fancy way to order a medium ariana.