Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it too late to make my Facebook movie?!?!

   The Billboard Music awards was the other night and there was an amazing hologram of Michael Jackson. He performed a new song called "Slave to the Rhythm." It was so realistic, Tito actually asked it for money.

   For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

   "Can I have a cake please?" "Oh what's the special occasion?" "I'm fat"

   if you had to use a treadmill to re charge your cell phone we would all be health nuts!

   Sometimes I'll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he's reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

   Bad news: I stepped in gum... Good news: it still had flavor left.

   When people ask me Plz because it’s shorter than please, I tell them no because it’s shorter than yes.

   31 States, 1618 Languages, 6 Major Religions, 29 National Festivals, 1 Country!! Happy Independence Day INDIA

   Ariana Grande is just a fancy way to order a medium ariana.

   if you're sad about being single, especially with Christmas around the corner, just remember even Charles Manson found someone to marry him. So there's hope for you yet! Have a good day everybody!!

   Girls who wear jeggings with small shirts we get it, you give toothy blowjobs.

   90% of the time, haters only exist in people's heads.

   How much for the angry lawn gnome? Hey, that's my toddler.

   Your password must contain at least 8 letters, a capital, a plot, a protagonist with good character development, a twist and a happy ending

   If I hit the powerball this week the first thing I'm buying is a pot to piss in I've always wanted one of those

   Under 'medical history', we were hoping for something more specific to you personally... You wrote "Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928".

   Tinder girls. "Not looking for hook ups" (best joke I've read in a while)

   Keep in mind that: 🍟 fries 🍔 burger 🍕 pizza 🍝 spaghetti 🍩 donut 🍦 ice cream 🎂 cake 🍫 chocolates will never break your ❤

   Why does lemonade contain artificial flavors and furniture polish contain real lemons?