Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   in honor of it being 3 days into spring and so cold we will be barbecuing Punxsutawney Philly steak and cheese tomorrow

   Wow was that Griswold family driving down the wrong lane into oncoming traffic driving the Wagon Queen Family Truckster on 95 yesterday

   I got to get my life on track if I still expect Elton John to change the lyrics of "Candle in the Wind" for me.

   They don't surprise the winner of the Retirement Home's Man of the year anymore.... That's how they lost last year's winner

   received a drinking game for Christmas from the woman that used to be my therapist. She told me once I had a drinking problem… Job Security maybe?

   Why is it the windshield washer sprayer only freezes over when you most need it?

   Was told I am a naive realist...from what I can see they are wrong

   "my #1 New Year's Resolution is to make sure that my New Year's Resolution list does NOT expire in about a month.."

   The optimist sees opportunity in every danger; the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity.

   "Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality."

   if the olympics had a gold medal for procastination...i'd probably win it...but i'd go recieve it later ;)

   there should be a happy hr during the work day whos on board

   Everybody knows that couple that should've broken up sixteen times already because they fight like kangaroos. "We're workin' it out" they alway say. Ummm no. You're "workin' it in."

   .If you ever start to feel good about humanity, just spend five minutes in a Trader Joe's parking lot.

   Who thought it was a good idea to make commercials 5 minutes longer than the actual show you are watching?

   thinks that time flies when you're having a drunken blackout.

   the reason why I don't watch most reality tv shows is because of the elimination round why does everyone leave quietly? I personally would come out swearing and breaking things best to end with a bang right?

   wondering why after sweating on a hot day; a hot shower feels good?

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

   If time travel were possible, my future self would've put a stop to that one girl from making those horrible songs. You know who I'm talking about, that Justin Beiber chick...