Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just experienced that rare moment when you flip your hoody up just right and realize that if ever called upon you could wield a light saber and take orders from a little green creature with big ears.....

   Blood is thicker than water but chocolate is thicker than both of them.

   Well St Patrick's Day is finally over, or as I know it as the day I found out that not all midgets are magical

   Everyone be quiet for a minute. A stupid person's trying to think of something clever to say.

   in honor of it being 3 days into spring and so cold we will be barbecuing Punxsutawney Philly steak and cheese tomorrow

   the reason why I don't watch most reality tv shows is because of the elimination round why does everyone leave quietly? I personally would come out swearing and breaking things best to end with a bang right?

   wondering why after sweating on a hot day; a hot shower feels good?

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

   If time travel were possible, my future self would've put a stop to that one girl from making those horrible songs. You know who I'm talking about, that Justin Beiber chick...

   I was going to watch the new Jersey Shore season but decided it would be easier on my eyes to just pull them out of their sockets with a pair of pliers.

   I'd tell you what I'm doing but I've learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.

   starting a new cult for idiots and making Kool Aid

   wondering if Hootie and the Blowfish had another name in mind in case that was one taken

   Ent*tlement Programs are nothing but a massive ‘Ponzi' scheme that has been perpetrated on the American worker

   Facebook is a distraction - an attractive waste of time. That's what I love most about it.

   received a drinking game for Christmas from the woman that used to be my therapist. She told me once I had a drinking problem… Job Security maybe?

   Why is it the windshield washer sprayer only freezes over when you most need it?

   Was told I am a naive realist...from what I can see they are wrong

   "my #1 New Year's Resolution is to make sure that my New Year's Resolution list does NOT expire in about a month.."

   The optimist sees opportunity in every danger; the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity.