Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bin Laden got shot in the head .. first shot missed and went through his ears

   He was suckled by hyenas and had only cobras for playmates and now he's in hell. Let's pose his bullet-holed head for a round-the-world-see-we-really-did-it photo op and get busy with the real business of America - planning our summer vacations!

   When everyone is out to get you, paranoia is just good thinking.

   What time Is The Rapture? I Wanna Make Sure I Have On Clean Underwear!

   If you don't define yourself for yourself, you will be crunched into other people's fantasies and abused till kingdom come.

   when you were little and your parents closet looked huge. Now you have one filled and nothing to wear... so sad

   I distrust camels and other things that can go a week without a drink.

   After exposure to the cast of 'Jersey Shore' an Italian Jury has decided that Amanda Knox isn't so bad after all.

   Just learned the hard way that “Cajun-style” is not a quality you want in a proctology exam.

   i wish the brightness control on my TV made the people smarter

   Finals kicked my ass last semester, but this time around, I'm feeling like I've been well trained by the Mr. Miyagi of Finals---just been waxing them on and off, straight up kicking their asses!

   "I'm gonna cramp your style." - Menstruation

   Hey girls who feel empty and inadequate unless they have a man; that's a lot of pressure on a creature that can't even piss inside a toilet bowl without missing.

   if we've learned anything from kanye west, its that hes definitely going to name his baby blue ivy

   I guess there's just something about the word bro that makes dudes take their shirts off and touch each other.

   Attracting attention is easy. Attracting something meaningful is another story.

   at least one person has to be sane in order for a relationship to work

   Please stop suggesting that we should work out. We don't tell you to go back to school and take 1st grade spelling.

   I think stuffed animals have learned their lesson.

   Don't cry, that onion didn't deserve you anyways.