Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't break anybody's heart; they have only one. Break their bones instead; they have 206.

   So there are these "Don't start forest fires" commercials telling me to "Get my Smokey on." All I can think is, if an anthropomorphic bear in a pair of jeans and a ranger hat comes up and tells me not to set stuff on fire, I probably already did.

   When Trump said he was planning to drain the swamps I thought it was a metaphor.

   Short term goal, today get past annoying Monday and Monday's close friends, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday before hanging out with Friday and Friday's hot friends Saturday and Sunday.

   One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.

   :) Sometimes it's best to be quiet to be heard.

   Colin Kaepernick + "Free Speech" = Free Agent!

   How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?

   ‪Please send your prayers out to the unsuspecting victim who will end up using the same cart of the guy I saw wiping his nose with his palm.

   Teacher: Billy, what rhymes with orange? Billy: No it doesn't.

   I almost just choked on a kale chip and all I could think was that this never happens with Cinnabons.

   The lawsuit against Starbucks for underfilling coffee drinks is the new definition of first world problems.

   Life from the 1800's, my whole family died of diarrhea last night.

   Right now the most stable currency in the UK is the Cadbury Creme Egg.

   Let me sum up the next few months: 1) Trump says and/or does something stupid. 2) Taylor Swift breaks up. 3) Enjoy your summer!

   OK, You're telling me you're not a slut ..... So ... Does that mean you are some kind of volunteer prostitute or something?

   I thought that Pokemon Go was a facebook app that encourages Jamaicans to use the Poke feature.

   Donald Trump formally announces Mike Pence as is VP pick. No word yet on if he plans on leaving him for a younger, prettier running mate.

   It’s easier to come out of the closet than it is to say you like Trump.

   BREAKING NEWS: Medical researchers have found that 100 percent of lab rats exposed to oxygen have eventually died.