Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm such a giving person; if cannibals were cooking me, I'd give them tips on how to make me more tender.

   Money can't buy happiness? Yes it can but you'll never know because you're stupid and poor.

   Stupid mornings with their stupid Sun and stupid fresh air and stupid innocent laughter of schoolchildren.

   This is the best episode of "24" since season 3

   The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.

   There were a lot of people who thought he was going to end up like his brother. I wasn't one of them. Really, what are the chances he has another brother who runs over him in a car.

   Always take a homeless person with you when you go camping.They're outdoorsy, work for food. & you can leave them anywhere you want to.

   Facebook is the "Bermuda Triangle" of the internet.

   The fat guy at the bar with the pony tail and Metallica t-shirt has a gf, so I'll probably kill myself if I don't get laid tonight

   So this guy is all like: ''Do you know the gravity of the situation?'' And I'm like: 9.81 m/s2?

   I don't drink, so you people don't get any better looking as the night wears on.

   Trending right now on Yahoo - 1. Kate Upton 2. Gisele Bundchen 3. Vanessa Hudgens 4. Wrist Injuries

   It's getting to be that time of year again where we sit around a dead tree and eat candy from old socks.

   I smile politely when someone bumps into me while texting on their phone because I respect their right to ignore the world.

   My idea of a Superbowl is a toilet that cleans itself.

   Madonna looks pretty good for someone who spent most of her life trying to defeat He-Man.

   If the house is a rockin', we are probably having an earthquake.

   if you change your status to "in a relationship", it must last longer than a Kim Kardashian marriage.

   I mean, we all grieve in our own ways. She chose to listen to The Bodyguard soundtrack all night. I chose $1,100 worth of lap dances.

   Christmas and booze they both have a lot to do with SPIRIT!