Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I lean against the wind, pretend that I am weightless. And in this moment I am happy..

   I Dont Care if he's a werewolf, its snowing, and the least he could do is put on a f*cking shirt!

   i just joined the dark side, turns out they lied about the cookies.

   I wish it sounded less gay when I said at last nights BBQ that "i'm craving a wiener." oh well, live and learn.

   Brett Favre has just announced he is going to play for the Miami Heat this seaon!

   ‎5 Words for us MAN to live by, "NEVER MAKE A WOMAN ANGRY."

   I love people that go to the beach w. a t shirt over their bathing suit, I think that draws more attention to whatever ur trying to hide

   :Dear "I just naturally don't need deodorant" People, Yes...yes you absolutely do. Sincerely, People Who Don't Smell Like Homeless Taint

   I'm sorry I hurt your felling when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.

   I wish that some people would realize that talking isn't necessary.

   You make me want to be a better drinker.

   Body Shots: There's a slut for that.

   <--heading to Wal-Mart and counting camel-toes!!!

   I have discovered that when you give people advice through the medium of interpretive dance, they quickly regret asking you for it, and go away.

   If you want to drink all day, you've got to start in the morning.

   Even though the little kid was having a tantrum, his mom was unphased. "You might as well give up on the crying," I heard her say as she led him to the store exit. "You're stuck with me for 18 years."

   Breaking News: George Lucas marries longtime girlfriend... Finds out later she is his sister.

   I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me all at once.

   Karen on Facebook says she is "Taking anger out on the treadmill at the gym" And I commented “You should try taking it out on the ho your husband keeps banging, Karen.”

   I'd like to slip into something more comfortable...you.