Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   loves picking his nephew up from Preschool cause the single mothers are usually late and so am I :D

   really misses Tiger Woods Gatorade. But the John Daly Gatorade is pretty good, too (it has vodka in it)

   It is not fastfood if you keep me waiting for 20 minutes for a damn burger!

   A grown man making snow angels in the yard shouldn't be so strange...dressed in a clown suit playing the bagpipes sure as hell made it weird.

   Monday Meeting Autopilot: Shake hands...Good to see you...Squint at pie charts...Nod head...Fake chuckle at the jokes...Suppress yawn...Thank you...and Clap when the 3 hour anguish ends...

   heard that frank Drebin died today. It couldnt have been Nordberg that killed him because OJ doesnt kill people

   i hate to love, I love to hate...

   welcome to my happy place... now get your sh*t and leave!

   secretly wishes Michael had gone ahead and body-slammed Ryan Seacrest last night.

   Darn allergy season.. I'm getting really good at the sneezenpee dance today!

   I don't fear dating a younger woman, it's her father and his shotgun I have problems with.

   Had a conference today with my child's teacher regarding her C in Grammar. During our conference, her teacher totally said "funner". ha ha.

   I am so abjective... I verb nouns.

   The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

   Bought a pair of pajamas with pockets. Thank God, cause she use to have hold everything while she slept.

   :Dear "I just naturally don't need deodorant" People, Yes...yes you absolutely do. Sincerely, People Who Don't Smell Like Homeless Taint

   I'm sorry I hurt your felling when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.

   I wish that some people would realize that talking isn't necessary.

   You make me want to be a better drinker.

   Body Shots: There's a slut for that.