Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It is not fastfood if you keep me waiting for 20 minutes for a damn burger!

   A grown man making snow angels in the yard shouldn't be so strange...dressed in a clown suit playing the bagpipes sure as hell made it weird.

   Monday Meeting Autopilot: Shake hands...Good to see you...Squint at pie charts...Nod head...Fake chuckle at the jokes...Suppress yawn...Thank you...and Clap when the 3 hour anguish ends...

   heard that frank Drebin died today. It couldnt have been Nordberg that killed him because OJ doesnt kill people

   i hate to love, I love to hate...

   welcome to my happy place... now get your sh*t and leave!

   secretly wishes Michael had gone ahead and body-slammed Ryan Seacrest last night.

   Darn allergy season.. I'm getting really good at the sneezenpee dance today!

   I don't fear dating a younger woman, it's her father and his shotgun I have problems with.

   Had a conference today with my child's teacher regarding her C in Grammar. During our conference, her teacher totally said "funner". ha ha.

   I am so abjective... I verb nouns.

   The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

   Bought a pair of pajamas with pockets. Thank God, cause she use to have hold everything while she slept.

   :Dear "I just naturally don't need deodorant" People, Yes...yes you absolutely do. Sincerely, People Who Don't Smell Like Homeless Taint

   I'm sorry I hurt your felling when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.

   I wish that some people would realize that talking isn't necessary.

   You make me want to be a better drinker.

   Body Shots: There's a slut for that.

   <--heading to Wal-Mart and counting camel-toes!!!

   I have discovered that when you give people advice through the medium of interpretive dance, they quickly regret asking you for it, and go away.