Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.

   If food at McDonald's looked anything like on the commercials, McDonald's customers would look even less like the people on the commercials.

   wondering WHY is everybook about vampires now. Pride and prejudce, alice in wonderland, ...why dont we just turn mickey mouse in to a vampire too? !!!

   :Dear "I just naturally don't need deodorant" People, Yes...yes you absolutely do. Sincerely, People Who Don't Smell Like Homeless Taint

   I'm sorry I hurt your felling when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.

   I wish that some people would realize that talking isn't necessary.

   You make me want to be a better drinker.

   Body Shots: There's a slut for that.

   <--heading to Wal-Mart and counting camel-toes!!!

   I have discovered that when you give people advice through the medium of interpretive dance, they quickly regret asking you for it, and go away.

   If you want to drink all day, you've got to start in the morning.

   Even though the little kid was having a tantrum, his mom was unphased. "You might as well give up on the crying," I heard her say as she led him to the store exit. "You're stuck with me for 18 years."

   Breaking News: George Lucas marries longtime girlfriend... Finds out later she is his sister.

   I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me all at once.

   Karen on Facebook says she is "Taking anger out on the treadmill at the gym" And I commented “You should try taking it out on the ho your husband keeps banging, Karen.”

   I'd like to slip into something more comfortable...you.

   There is nothing more dangerous than someone with a brain who doesn't know how to use it.

   Now that shark week is over, we can all go back to swimming in the oceans...

   A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I'm an a-hole...

   Dear Tylenol, as a Father, I can respect the fact that you make your products child-proof. However, as a consumer with a splitting headache, I hate your fricken guts 'cause I can't open the damn packet with my fingers...