Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think that what I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding when I do something wrong.

   my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.

   If food at McDonald's looked anything like on the commercials, McDonald's customers would look even less like the people on the commercials.

   wondering WHY is everybook about vampires now. Pride and prejudce, alice in wonderland, ...why dont we just turn mickey mouse in to a vampire too? !!!

   I don't fear dating a younger woman, it's her father and his shotgun I have problems with.

   Had a conference today with my child's teacher regarding her C in Grammar. During our conference, her teacher totally said "funner". ha ha.

   I am so abjective... I verb nouns.

   The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

   Bought a pair of pajamas with pockets. Thank God, cause she use to have hold everything while she slept.

   Went to Walmart last night and thought they were doing a special reinactment of "The Hills Have Eyes", but realized that they were all customers, as well.

   loves picking his nephew up from Preschool cause the single mothers are usually late and so am I :D

   really misses Tiger Woods Gatorade. But the John Daly Gatorade is pretty good, too (it has vodka in it)

   It is not fastfood if you keep me waiting for 20 minutes for a damn burger!

   A grown man making snow angels in the yard shouldn't be so strange...dressed in a clown suit playing the bagpipes sure as hell made it weird.

   Monday Meeting Autopilot: Shake hands...Good to see you...Squint at pie charts...Nod head...Fake chuckle at the jokes...Suppress yawn...Thank you...and Clap when the 3 hour anguish ends...

   heard that frank Drebin died today. It couldnt have been Nordberg that killed him because OJ doesnt kill people

   i hate to love, I love to hate...

   welcome to my happy place... now get your sh*t and leave!

   secretly wishes Michael had gone ahead and body-slammed Ryan Seacrest last night.

   Darn allergy season.. I'm getting really good at the sneezenpee dance today!