Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Monday Meeting Autopilot: Shake hands...Good to see you...Squint at pie charts...Nod head...Fake chuckle at the jokes...Suppress yawn...Thank you...and Clap when the 3 hour anguish ends...

   heard that frank Drebin died today. It couldnt have been Nordberg that killed him because OJ doesnt kill people

   I don't fear dating a younger woman, it's her father and his shotgun I have problems with.

   Had a conference today with my child's teacher regarding her C in Grammar. During our conference, her teacher totally said "funner". ha ha.

   I am so abjective... I verb nouns.

   The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

   Bought a pair of pajamas with pockets. Thank God, cause she use to have hold everything while she slept.

   I lean against the wind, pretend that I am weightless. And in this moment I am happy..

   I Dont Care if he's a werewolf, its snowing, and the least he could do is put on a f*cking shirt!

   i just joined the dark side, turns out they lied about the cookies.

   I wish it sounded less gay when I said at last nights BBQ that "i'm craving a wiener." oh well, live and learn.

   Brett Favre has just announced he is going to play for the Miami Heat this seaon!

   ‎5 Words for us MAN to live by, "NEVER MAKE A WOMAN ANGRY."

   I love people that go to the beach w. a t shirt over their bathing suit, I think that draws more attention to whatever ur trying to hide

   i hate to love, I love to hate...

   welcome to my happy place... now get your sh*t and leave!

   secretly wishes Michael had gone ahead and body-slammed Ryan Seacrest last night.

   Darn allergy season.. I'm getting really good at the sneezenpee dance today!

   driving the Hummer on Earth Day!!

   So is this where I'm supposed to type a heartfelt sentence, or a quote or something describing how I feel and stuff? Cool, mine's far more complicated to be typed here.