Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook: the place where you are a nice person when you add someone and become an ***hole when you delete them.

   Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

   I lean against the wind, pretend that I am weightless. And in this moment I am happy..

   I Dont Care if he's a werewolf, its snowing, and the least he could do is put on a f*cking shirt!

   i just joined the dark side, turns out they lied about the cookies.

   I wish it sounded less gay when I said at last nights BBQ that "i'm craving a wiener." oh well, live and learn.

   Brett Favre has just announced he is going to play for the Miami Heat this seaon!

   ‎5 Words for us MAN to live by, "NEVER MAKE A WOMAN ANGRY."

   I love people that go to the beach w. a t shirt over their bathing suit, I think that draws more attention to whatever ur trying to hide

   driving the Hummer on Earth Day!!

   So is this where I'm supposed to type a heartfelt sentence, or a quote or something describing how I feel and stuff? Cool, mine's far more complicated to be typed here.

   I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that

   In every Red Lobster tank, there's one lobster who says: "You guys are so paranoid! It's great here! I love the view!"

   I think that what I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding when I do something wrong.

   my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.

   If food at McDonald's looked anything like on the commercials, McDonald's customers would look even less like the people on the commercials.

   wondering WHY is everybook about vampires now. Pride and prejudce, alice in wonderland, ...why dont we just turn mickey mouse in to a vampire too? !!!

   Went to Walmart last night and thought they were doing a special reinactment of "The Hills Have Eyes", but realized that they were all customers, as well.

   loves picking his nephew up from Preschool cause the single mothers are usually late and so am I :D

   really misses Tiger Woods Gatorade. But the John Daly Gatorade is pretty good, too (it has vodka in it)