Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 form

   Lately, more airplane passengers have been killed by intentional acts of pilots than by terrorists...seems to me that the TSA is scrutinizing the wrong people.

   I just finished my taxes...As much as I am going to have to pay...The least Obama could do is send me a photo of the family I am sponsoring!!!!

   can't believe Jesus was born on Christmas and died on Easter, what are the odds? still, he accomplished a lot for a four month year old.

   My girlfriend came in while I was watching the football highlights she said, "Awww, is this the Paralympics?" I said, "No, it's Dallas Cowboys."

   I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig... It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

   Trump DOES NOT HAVE THE ANSWERS, BUT the wall is a good F_ing start.

   Have you ever watched a really funny video, shown it to someone else and you keep saying Just wait, it gets funnier?

   An old guy asks his pharmacist about V*agra. The pharmacist says it works great. The old guy asks him if he can get it over the counter. The pharmacist said yes, if he takes six.

   I refuse to go bungee jumping... I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one

   for an erection lasting longer than 4 hours, call your friends, and brag about it!

   not shy -- I'm studying my prey.

   planning on living forever- so far, so good

   my goal is to stop drinking, smoking and swearing, holy#$#% my cigarette just fell into my wine. gotta go

   I don't mind helping out Haiti but please...stop insisting they need more money. They don't... figure out a way to spend the rest of the $500 million and then talk to me about how "bad off" they are.

   At what point did our country become invaded by insensitive @$$holes who lack empathy?

   Before gaydar, it is widely suspected that gay men found each other using a cumpass.

   What's big, red, and looks like a bucket? A big red bucket.

   YOUR WALLET: the only place our government is willing to drill..

   's friend was hit by a Dodge, which he/she found both funny and ironic.