Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that it’s my cellphone

   Spelling is not my best subject but I'm great at meth

   I would give up Facebook for you baby.

   I give different relationship advice to ugly people than I give to beautiful ones coz the rules are not the same.

   some people call it Thanksgiving Day.....I call it "Bitc* Slap Vegetarian" Day

   the kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil....

   They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.

   I just heard that Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus are going to sing Country Music together…….. I think their new group should be called the Ditsy Chicks….

   would like to thank the guy who invented air conditioning, but a big F#CK YOU to the electric company for trying to charge to much to turn it on

   Save Water. Take a bath with your neighbor's wife!

   I held the door for a lady at the Post Office because she had a huge box..

   Puking is my body's way of saying, "Now there's room for more booze!"

   Accidentally clicking the "Like" button while you're Facebook stalking is like accidentally setting off a flare while practicing guerrilla warfare.

   "GATES PLEDGES $10 BILLION FOR VACCINES." Hope it's to fight viruses in windows.

   When playing "Got your nose," make sure the victim is 1) willing to play, 2) that you're not at a urinal and 3) that it's their nose.

   A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.

   I can't hear you over the sound of how Epic I am.

   if the Jets make it to the Super Bowl, I sure hope the cast from Jersey Shore will not be in the half time show

   I'm sorry to say, but the swamp is still alive and well. There's no denying that.

   Sure,,, Trump may be unhinged now,,,, but maybe he'll calm down once he becomes the most powerful person in the world