Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet if Trump did get elected, he'd be able to comb over some of the financial problems we face.

   This "In Private" browsing mode in Internet Explorer is rubbish. . . . . . Everyone in the internet cafe can still see me wanking.

   Kanye and Kim's kid will be 1/2 huge a$$, and 1/2 huge a$$.

   The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that it’s my cellphone

   Spelling is not my best subject but I'm great at meth

   I would give up Facebook for you baby.

   I give different relationship advice to ugly people than I give to beautiful ones coz the rules are not the same.

   Part of me says "I can't keep drinking like this." The other part of me says "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."

   I accidentally knocked over a few dinners onto the floor at Whole Foods and I now owe them over $212,080,999 dollars

   Roses are red, Violets are blue,,, This court finds you guilty, So I'm jailing you..... (poetic justice)

   I could amaze you with the things I don't know and terrify you with the things I do

   He was so creepy, his van had a basement.

   I'm confident, but not 'use the middle urinal when there's 2 black guys pissing either side of me' confident.

   some people call it Thanksgiving Day.....I call it "Bitc* Slap Vegetarian" Day

   Save Water. Take a bath with your neighbor's wife!

   I held the door for a lady at the Post Office because she had a huge box..

   if the Jets make it to the Super Bowl, I sure hope the cast from Jersey Shore will not be in the half time show

   Puking is my body's way of saying, "Now there's room for more booze!"

   Accidentally clicking the "Like" button while you're Facebook stalking is like accidentally setting off a flare while practicing guerrilla warfare.

   the kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil....