Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Part of me says "I can't keep drinking like this." The other part of me says "Don't listen to him, he's drunk."

   I accidentally knocked over a few dinners onto the floor at Whole Foods and I now owe them over $212,080,999 dollars

   Roses are red, Violets are blue,,, This court finds you guilty, So I'm jailing you..... (poetic justice)

   I could amaze you with the things I don't know and terrify you with the things I do

   He was so creepy, his van had a basement.

   I'm confident, but not 'use the middle urinal when there's 2 black guys pissing either side of me' confident.

   some people call it Thanksgiving Day.....I call it "Bitc* Slap Vegetarian" Day

   the kids next door have challenged me to a water fight... I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil....

   They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.

   I just heard that Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus are going to sing Country Music together…….. I think their new group should be called the Ditsy Chicks….

   would like to thank the guy who invented air conditioning, but a big F#CK YOU to the electric company for trying to charge to much to turn it on

   Save Water. Take a bath with your neighbor's wife!

   I held the door for a lady at the Post Office because she had a huge box..

   Puking is my body's way of saying, "Now there's room for more booze!"

   Accidentally clicking the "Like" button while you're Facebook stalking is like accidentally setting off a flare while practicing guerrilla warfare.

   "GATES PLEDGES $10 BILLION FOR VACCINES." Hope it's to fight viruses in windows.

   When playing "Got your nose," make sure the victim is 1) willing to play, 2) that you're not at a urinal and 3) that it's their nose.

   A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.

   I can't hear you over the sound of how Epic I am.

   if the Jets make it to the Super Bowl, I sure hope the cast from Jersey Shore will not be in the half time show