Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Spring break" ~ Russian mattress repairman.

   Ghetto Word of the Day: Decide “My boy fronting like he love his girl, but errbody know he got a couple of chicks on decide”.

   Emergency call: "911, What is your emergency?" "Two girls are fighting over me!" "So what's the problem sir?" "The ugly one is winning..."

   "somewhere in the land of Oz, picking on a scarecrow. "

   I wonder if Chinese people put smileys like this ¦)

   I seen the most awesome black colored horse the other day. If she was mine, I'd call her ShaNeighNeigh ツ

   No one WANTS to name one thing Obama has done. Ok I will, he's done no good. . .

   If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore... That's how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

   women stay in shape to live long, healthy lives. Men stay in shape to have sex with hotter women...

   Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need damn smarter friends.

   Eminem is the only rapper that sings crap about his mom. Because all the other rappers are black and know about getting their asses whooped.

   not the empire but I still strike back...

   I saw a sign in the hospital today, it read "For Family Planning - Please Use Rear Entrance". What good advice!!

   If you think paper beats rock...Hold a piece of paper up in front of your face and I'll throw a rock at it.

   I'll keep my money, my guns, and my freedom, and you can keep the "socialist ideas"

   Trump got more fat women to take a walk in one day than Michell Obama did in 8 years

   The hardest part about mopping up wine with your cat is wringing that motherfcuker out.

   I gotta stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I'm beginning to feel like people are taking it as a challenge.

   Accidentally mixed my I can't believe it's not butter with my real butter. Now I don't know what to believe..

   What's green and smells like pork? Kermit the frog's finger.