Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nice status. You're out of alcohol again aren't you?

   So you'd like to know what I do for a living? So would I.

   I don't care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.

   Dear Santa....I've been good for the last hour

   You show me Karl Marx's grave and I'll show you a Communist plot.

   I told a woman she looked fat in those jeans once, so yeah you could say I know a thing or two about what's it's like to live on the edge.

   saw a magician driving today,first time I looked he was the only one driving,when I looked again a women suddenly appeared in the passenger seat

   If they blackl isted all of the IP addresses that p ost useless sh*t there wouldn't be anything here.

   Nowhere in the nursery rhyme does it mention that Humpty Dumpty was an egg.

   I'm really tired but it's OK. There's a nap for that.

   Listen science. I see all your progress with erectile dysfunction and all. And that's great. But yo. Wireless phone chargers. For realsies.

   Ghetto Word of the Day: Decide “My boy fronting like he love his girl, but errbody know he got a couple of chicks on decide”.

   Emergency call: "911, What is your emergency?" "Two girls are fighting over me!" "So what's the problem sir?" "The ugly one is winning..."

   "somewhere in the land of Oz, picking on a scarecrow. "

   I wonder if Chinese people put smileys like this ¦)

   I seen the most awesome black colored horse the other day. If she was mine, I'd call her ShaNeighNeigh ツ

   No one WANTS to name one thing Obama has done. Ok I will, he's done no good. . .

   If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore... That's how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

   women stay in shape to live long, healthy lives. Men stay in shape to have sex with hotter women...

   Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need damn smarter friends.