Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm about to head to the bar and pretend to be blind so women will let me touch their faces.... good times...

   This girl just caught me staring at her, but I played it off by yelling “Cool wall behind that girl's head!”

   You are never quite as entertaining as when you come home from your night shift, walk head first thru a spider web, and dance the "Unmanly Web Tango" for the delight of all your neighbors, your teenage son, and his friends at the bus stop.

   Sometimes if I get scared at night..I just tell myself there are no such things as ghost only clumsy ninjas....

   The sad reality is, after 16 & Pregnant, Teen Mom and Jersey Shore, "Milf-Murder Acquittals" was probably going to be the next MTV hit anyways..

   a life with no regrets is a life no lived, I would rather strike out swinging than to sit there looking

   If you're using your girlfriend or boyfriends name as your password, can I punch you? Or would that make you more stupid?

   What comes after 3D, scratch and sniff?

   Its snowing again! Oh don't worry I will be posting fresh photos soon because I know you all love that!

   Working out sucks...maybe I'll just spring for liposuction and 639 muscle implants.

   Al Gore said we would have days like this...no...wait...scratch that.

   clicked find freinds.....and all it said was good luck

   if you listen to the Charlie Sheen interview backwards you can hear Gaddafi laughing at Bambi dying.

   FUN FACT: Trying to find a shortcut out of IKEA on the weekend was the inspiration for the ending of The Shawshank Redemption.

   Any hedge can be a maze if your drunk enough.

   There have been more collect calls in history on Father's Day than on any other day of the year.

   I'd eat more vegetables if they were made of beef.

   My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number..... Big shout out to the ex,, for pissing in my gene pool.

   My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word "restaurant."

   Scars are tattoos with better stories.