Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Millions of Martian cats are fleeing in terror, at this moment

   I just invented a time machine for you so that you can travel back in time and, quite literally, go f*ck yourself. Twice.

   I greet all conflict with a joke, a smile and a laugh. It's not that I'm the bigger man. It just makes my enemies hate me so much more.

   Women... the more attention they get, the more options they seek.

   If I can still smell you on me in the morning, you did good.

   Everyday I thank the Lord Bear Grylls doesn't have his own cooking show

   You look sad. It must be from all the fun you are not having.

   I'm not clumsy. It's just that the floor hates me, the tables & chairs are bullies & the wall gets in the way.

   So when those annoying Student/Bill Debt collectors call and ask me to verify my information and this call maybe recorded for training purposes....I usually tell em my number recently changed, n give them some other debt collector's number! problem solved

   If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don't judge her, you're also eating at Applebees.

   There are 2 types of people I don't like: 1) Those who complain constantly and blame others for all that's wrong with their life, and 2) Everyone else...

   For very action there is an equal and opposite government program.

   You can workout and brag about your muscles all you want but it still isn't going to make you any taller.

   Love is in the air. Try not to breathe.

   In order to make change in your life you have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired

   I ''unfriend" you on Facebook when your Birthday Reminder comes up and I realize I don't interact with you ever....

   Relationships would probably be a lot more appealing if the only other option was getting hit by a bus.

   Do you know how much snow is too much snow to go to the liquor store?

   I am no longer swayed by numbers. I no longer trust figures. If there is one thing statistics have shown me its that we now have more idiots on this planet than normal folks. I refer you to number of people who follow Justin Bieber on twitter.

   You can tell a lot about a person by the kind of things they "LIKE" on Facebook.