Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Step ladders are just like regular ladders except they don't love you as much.

   [Spock]: “On my planet, “to rest” is to rest, to cease using energy. To me it is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass using energy instead of saving it.” - Rest now Spock

   "Mr Potter, you are now qualified to be a magical janitor" *Harry Potter And The Order of The University of Phoenix*

   Anyone know why my shampoo, conditioner, and body wash all fit in the same bottle, but to acheive the same thing, my wife needs 34 bottles? Anyone?

   Your profile says "DJ/Promoter-producer", so do you keep your full time job at the call center just to keep grounded?

   I think I skipped the part of life where I was supposed to learn how to get rich.

   PRO TIP: Add 2 drops of lemon juice to your goldfish's water every time you change it, and you won't even have to season them before cooking.

   Hey girls at the gym, no need for the makeup and hair do's. He's not looking at your face.

   I ''unfriend" you on Facebook when your Birthday Reminder comes up and I realize I don't interact with you ever....

   Relationships would probably be a lot more appealing if the only other option was getting hit by a bus.

   Do you know how much snow is too much snow to go to the liquor store?

   I am no longer swayed by numbers. I no longer trust figures. If there is one thing statistics have shown me its that we now have more idiots on this planet than normal folks. I refer you to number of people who follow Justin Bieber on twitter.

   You can tell a lot about a person by the kind of things they "LIKE" on Facebook.

   I have my own clothing line... it's called naked.

   My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.

   I don't like your gluten-free attitude

   Earth Day sounds like birthday, and that just makes me want cake. So thanks for making me fat Earth Day

   Music is no longer an art. It has become a commodity. As far as entertainment goes these days, there's very little difference between listening to music and buying wheat.

   I was once a child prodigy, now i'm an adult tragedy.

   Sometimes “Girl's night out” means she has just taken her bra off