Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So when those annoying Student/Bill Debt collectors call and ask me to verify my information and this call maybe recorded for training purposes....I usually tell em my number recently changed, n give them some other debt collector's number! problem solved

   If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don't judge her, you're also eating at Applebees.

   There are 2 types of people I don't like: 1) Those who complain constantly and blame others for all that's wrong with their life, and 2) Everyone else...

   For very action there is an equal and opposite government program.

   You can workout and brag about your muscles all you want but it still isn't going to make you any taller.

   Love is in the air. Try not to breathe.

   In order to make change in your life you have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired

   I ''unfriend" you on Facebook when your Birthday Reminder comes up and I realize I don't interact with you ever....

   Relationships would probably be a lot more appealing if the only other option was getting hit by a bus.

   Do you know how much snow is too much snow to go to the liquor store?

   I am no longer swayed by numbers. I no longer trust figures. If there is one thing statistics have shown me its that we now have more idiots on this planet than normal folks. I refer you to number of people who follow Justin Bieber on twitter.

   You can tell a lot about a person by the kind of things they "LIKE" on Facebook.

   I have my own clothing line... it's called naked.

   My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.

   Fellas; The way to a girl's heart is through her cat.

   I used to be a class act......or clown,as my 7th grade teacher would tell my parents!!

   Iranian Presdient Hassan Rouhani thinks he can have his Yellowcake and eat it too!!!

   if you're fighting another pirate ship & your cannonball lands directly in their cannon everyone has to switch eyepatches to their other eye

   Ok word of advice ladies. a muffin top might be kinda cute but if you have a 3 tier cake top please don't go out side. you scare people. just sayin.

   I never know how many Ramen Noodle seasoning packets to save throughout the year for Halloween treats, but I think I have enough.