Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't need a fortune-teller. I already know how i'm gonna die thanks to all those Chain letters

   Girls don't understand that waking up is usually the 2nd hardest thing in the morning.

   I live life on the edge, when I go grocery shopping I place all my eggs in the same basket! Thats just how I roll.

   Facebook is our past. Twitter is our present. Unemployment is our future.

   ..... For some people madness isn't only confined to March!!!

   Are "The Hunger Games" scored by calorie intake? If so, I would kick ass at that game

   Have we found all of the great singers in America yet?,, I'm worried we might not have found them all....Geesh

   I don't want to say I have man boobs, but I went jogging and there was definite clangage

   being that they're all middle aged men now with kids of their own, I think now's a good time to change their name to Minivan-Halen.

   “What's marriage like?” “Oh, can't complain.” “That's good.” “No, she just won't let me.”

   Don't know what I'd do with my life if Facebook didn't notify me that my hundreds of friends changed their profile picture every 5 minutes.

   Hackers reprogrammed the YouTube page of Sesame Street using porn. One of the videos was brought to you by the letter oooohhhh...

   It's better to have a life of 'Oh Wells than a life of 'What if...'

   What you don't have time for the next man will...........What you don't wanna do the next chick will.

   Dear Karma, Thanks for letting the air out of my @$$hole neighbors tires.....

   I don't want anyone to feed my ego. I just want someone to put it in their mouth and do tongue tricks with it.

   Trusting a dog to watch your food is like trusting me to babysit your girlfriend.

   The best kind of laughter, is laughing so hard it's silent.

   I had to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on a friend who forgot to chew his pride before he swallowed it.

   Said to herself "Self", and I knew it was me cause I recongized my own voice & was wearing my underwear "you should really make me another rum & coke"!