Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   being that they're all middle aged men now with kids of their own, I think now's a good time to change their name to Minivan-Halen.

   “What's marriage like?” “Oh, can't complain.” “That's good.” “No, she just won't let me.”

   Don't know what I'd do with my life if Facebook didn't notify me that my hundreds of friends changed their profile picture every 5 minutes.

   Hackers reprogrammed the YouTube page of Sesame Street using porn. One of the videos was brought to you by the letter oooohhhh...

   It's better to have a life of 'Oh Wells than a life of 'What if...'

   What you don't have time for the next man will...........What you don't wanna do the next chick will.

   Dear Karma, Thanks for letting the air out of my @$$hole neighbors tires.....

   I don't want anyone to feed my ego. I just want someone to put it in their mouth and do tongue tricks with it.

   Trusting a dog to watch your food is like trusting me to babysit your girlfriend.

   The best kind of laughter, is laughing so hard it's silent.

   I had to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on a friend who forgot to chew his pride before he swallowed it.

   Said to herself "Self", and I knew it was me cause I recongized my own voice & was wearing my underwear "you should really make me another rum & coke"!

   Some people push your buttons and others just outright break your keyboard!!!

   Contrary to popular belief, "Puppy Pimps" is not a good name for a dog breeder.

   hate when people say "i can't complain"..really? because all you do is complain

   I think groundhogs day obviously means more to us than presidents day.

   Just because you're talking, doesn't mean I'm listening.

   It's crazy to see how much worse celebrities looked "before they were famous" and then realize that's how you look.

   found out today that "too legit to give a sh*t" is not an appropriate answer to a judge's question "How do you plead?"

   Playing the "hey, what's in that bulging tupperware bowl" game never ends well.