Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lying about my age is easier now that I sometimes forget what it is.

   I am a kind of paranoid in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.

   the only thing about having bags under your eyes is that I can never find any shoes to match :(

   once had his Ex crawling toward him on her hands and knees. The thing is, he was under the bed hiding and she was crawling toward him screaming "Come out and fight like a man!"

   An optimist laughs to forget, a pessimist forgets to laugh.

   ‘s computer is sooo slooow. It must be running Windows B.C.

   Step one: admitting you have a problem. Um.....I have a problem... DON't wanna get out of bed.

   Thursday is on my mind Facebook!! Now stop asking me that and go bug someone else!!!

   willing to go the extra mile... as long as it is not in your shoes!

   Some legends say we must sacrifice Justin Bieber to appease the dark forces inside Syria.

   Hey, don't wear skinny jeans if you have a big head or you end up looking like a damn lollipop.

   Someone needs to uninvent the internet so I can start getting some s$it done.

   We should have pulled out of Afghanistan before we got it pregnant. Now we are gonna be stuck with support payments.

   Why do they call it a "Wonder Bra?" Maybe its because when you take it off you wonder where your boobs went..

   Just for the sake of argument, let's say I'm right about everything.

   If you can't take the heat, you're really going to hate my flamethrower.

   Why does everyone say "You bet your ass?" Is there really a lot of value in an ass?

   I'm surprised "slow internet connection" doesn't come up more often as a motive in murder trials.

   Whenever I really try to focus on staying focused I get less stuff done because I'm too focused on being focused.

   Shut up, you'll never be the man your mother is!!