Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bill Clinton also woke up in a White House built by sl@ves. Okay, Monica didn't actually build it nor was she a sl@ve, well sorta...

   3 years 11 months and 3 weeks before renewing my interest in pole vault

   "But would a trophy wife do this?", she said as she changed my car oil

   I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I've caught.

   Someone described their church as a place to go when they're lost and searching for answers. That's how I feel about the grocery store.

   John Hinckley Jr. has been freed after 35 years. I hope he realizes that Jodie Foster is really not interested now.

   Walmart is selling six hot dogs for a dollar if anyone wants to die.

   My elderly neighbor tried to buy something online yesterday. ... anyone know how to get a credit card out of a disc drive ?

   If my roof ever catches on fire, I’ll have trouble not repeating myself when I call 911.

   I don't know if we should give a man, or woman, who can't understand a two minute time limit the office of president. Even the brand new fry cook at McDonald's can figure out the timer.

   janet jackson flashes a titty and all hell breaks loose, while on the other hand rick ross can just flaunt his knockers anywhere he wants

   ‎"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes."

   Talk about others and you're a gossip. Talk about yourself and you're a bore.

   Well that's the last time I go to the gym. My Hershey bar melted in my back pocket.

   Don't say forever if what you mean is for a few weeks.

   I bet Osama Bin Ladin is looking up from the pits of hell and spewin' he used his real address on his Playstation Account!!

   I wish I could open up your head to see what the he// is going on up there

   I wonder when the first episode Ashton Kutcher gonna punk the cast of two and a half men.

   I'm hoping for some good job openings I can fill when people leave for the Rapture.

   So apparently I'm getting judged on the weekend... like how I get judged by human beings everyday... including my mother.... and my mother is much more scary....