Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If my roof ever catches on fire, I’ll have trouble not repeating myself when I call 911.

   I don't know if we should give a man, or woman, who can't understand a two minute time limit the office of president. Even the brand new fry cook at McDonald's can figure out the timer.

   janet jackson flashes a titty and all hell breaks loose, while on the other hand rick ross can just flaunt his knockers anywhere he wants

   ‎"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes."

   Talk about others and you're a gossip. Talk about yourself and you're a bore.

   Well that's the last time I go to the gym. My Hershey bar melted in my back pocket.

   Don't say forever if what you mean is for a few weeks.

   I bet Osama Bin Ladin is looking up from the pits of hell and spewin' he used his real address on his Playstation Account!!

   I wish I could open up your head to see what the he// is going on up there

   I wonder when the first episode Ashton Kutcher gonna punk the cast of two and a half men.

   I'm hoping for some good job openings I can fill when people leave for the Rapture.

   So apparently I'm getting judged on the weekend... like how I get judged by human beings everyday... including my mother.... and my mother is much more scary....

   Don't you hate it when people just randomly tag you in their Facebook post!?

   Why would you respect Sallie Mae when she's been screwing you and all college students for years?

   sometimes I wish life was like golf...id call MULLIGAN on some moments

   It might not be your birthday, but you need a spanking anyway...

   More SAD NEWS for the music industry: Soulja Boy is working on a new album.

   Sometimes we struggle through a tasteless coffee till the last sip,then we find sugar lying at the bottom. -THAT'S LIFE Sweetened but not stirred well..!!

   if there s a road less travelled... dont take it. you wont find beer.

   Dont wish For a Happy ending It means Something has to end