Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎"A happy person is not a person in a certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with a certain set of attitudes."

   Talk about others and you're a gossip. Talk about yourself and you're a bore.

   Well that's the last time I go to the gym. My Hershey bar melted in my back pocket.

   Don't say forever if what you mean is for a few weeks.

   I bet Osama Bin Ladin is looking up from the pits of hell and spewin' he used his real address on his Playstation Account!!

   I wish I could open up your head to see what the he// is going on up there

   I wonder when the first episode Ashton Kutcher gonna punk the cast of two and a half men.

   I'm hoping for some good job openings I can fill when people leave for the Rapture.

   So apparently I'm getting judged on the weekend... like how I get judged by human beings everyday... including my mother.... and my mother is much more scary....

   Don't you hate it when people just randomly tag you in their Facebook post!?

   Why would you respect Sallie Mae when she's been screwing you and all college students for years?

   sometimes I wish life was like golf...id call MULLIGAN on some moments

   It might not be your birthday, but you need a spanking anyway...

   More SAD NEWS for the music industry: Soulja Boy is working on a new album.

   Sometimes we struggle through a tasteless coffee till the last sip,then we find sugar lying at the bottom. -THAT'S LIFE Sweetened but not stirred well..!!

   if there s a road less travelled... dont take it. you wont find beer.

   Dont wish For a Happy ending It means Something has to end

   St. Patrick -- one of the few saints whose feast day presents the opportunity to get determinedly whacked and make a fool of oneself all under the guise of acting Irish.

   hates that the jeopardy theme song is stuck in my head. Its giving me a false sense of anxiety!!

   Inside me lives a skinny man crying to get out, but I can usually shut him up with cookies.