Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did anyone see last night's episode of South Park? It was hilarious how they were making fun of the rednecks and their obsessive-compulsive disorder for working.

   My friend Ryan is getting his vasectomy reversed tomorrow...I'm planning to make a movie about it and call it "Saving Ryan's Private"

   my therapist told me to write letters to everyone I hate and then to burn them, now I don't know what to do with all these letters...

   When they make Molasses, what do they do with the rest of the Mole ?

   I wish the weekend came as fast as my ex did.

   Sorry for squirting in your face... Says no female ever.

   These Cheetos are gluten free so yeah, you could say I'm a health nut.

   my girlfriend thinks I am afraid of commitment my wife on the other hand...

   Why did Adam and Eve have the perfect marriage?..... Because neither one of them had a mother in-law.

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   People are so quick to think you smoke when they see a lighter in your room. Did you stop to think for a second that maybe, just maybe I use it to heat up heroin in my teaspoon Abigail?

   Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

   it still called a gas pedal on an electric car?

   I think I turned back my clock way too far, I just saw a guy with a mullet at Kmart .

   Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

   As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

   2020 is what happens when you mix tarot cards with cards against humanity.

   My brain at 6am: I’m tired. My brain at 9am: I’m tired. My brain at 1pm: I’m tired. My brain at 5pm: I’m tired. My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

   I’ve been trying to start my truck with my house key since 7am this morning, there’s no way I’m gonna stop now.

   My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.