Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I walked into a florist today and said “I want a bunch of flowers for my wife.” The cashier looked at me and said, “What are you after?” I said, “Some sex.”

   I'm going to get married on February 29th so I only have to remember our anniversary once every 4 years.

   BREAKING: Snow White is down to 6 Dwarves.. Sneezy was just placed in quarantine.

   People are so afraid right now… you could rob a bank with a booger.

   With all this quarantining the earth is cleaning up! Let's keep it that way. Remember, the earth isn't Uranus!

   I heard the government is putting chips inside people... I hope I get Doritos.

   I did my IQ test online today and got scammed out of $50,000.

   I always learn from the mistakes of others who took my advice.

   My celery loving friend keeps dropping over all the time unannounced. Do you think she’s stalking me?

   Stuff your mask with M&Ms so you can eat them all day long like a horse

   watching "forensic files" & a commercial comes on about buying life insurance ... know your audience

   We don't care how much money you have, how many cars and homes you own or how popular you are. Get past the dying part and then we'll be impressed.

   My friend hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. He gets his snickers in a twix.

   I had an English professor once who told me to avoid the use of clichés in my writing. I said "Hey, you're preaching to the choir. This ain't my first rodeo and I avoid clichés like the plague. Now if you'll excuse me, I have bigger fish to fry."

   If you fill a Whoopee cushion with gravy it adds a new twist to a classic practical joke.

   If I owned a company, I'd make my stock symbol WTF just so I could hear the TV guys say WTF all day...

   spoiler alert...tonight HBO dies

   It’s very hot in most of the country. It’s like we’re trapped in the “Jersey Shore” hot tub and can’t escape.

   A stranger phoned me last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my junk. The weirdo never showed up.

   Contrary to popular belief, changing the toilet paper roll does not cause brain damage....