Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My biggest fear of Hurricane Sandy is that i'll lose power and can't Facebook.

   Yes,,, Yesterday,I let the cat out of the bag,,, But today, There's no way she's getting out of that dishwasher

   the word would be so much better if everyone stayed in the state they were born in

   Had a nightmare that I was married.

   I envy a gay man's ability to not be lured to shipwreck by a nice pair of breasts.

   I'd like to return this pack of gum, They taste awful... "Sir, those are Band-Aids."... Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids,, Someone ate some.

   you aren't single because of your high standards. You're single because you're fugly...

   ... Former UN President John Ashe “accidentally” crushed his own throat and died coincidentally a week before he was scheduled to testify against Bill and Hillary Clinton. HA ... More like Accidentally on purpose if you ask me!!!

   I never knew that tanning beds had a pumpkin spice setting.

   its amazing how fast my phone is now that I removed the NFL app.

   If I fell and hit my head really hard maybe I'll go see the new Baywatch movie.

   Just for fun today I put on tan pants and a red shirt, walked into Target and yelled "Take this job and shove it!"

   My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. She said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.

   I can't believe I didn't get an Oscar nomination for my performance in, "No, I never got your text!"

   Police have confirmed that a man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it..will be bailed tomorrow!!

   the percentage of people who "tell you what they want, what they really really want" has dropped drastically since 1996

   I can't believe someone would willingly have the sex with some of you people

   What if the hurricaine just didn't like statues?

   Did anyone see last night's episode of South Park? It was hilarious how they were making fun of the rednecks and their obsessive-compulsive disorder for working.

   My friend Ryan is getting his vasectomy reversed tomorrow...I'm planning to make a movie about it and call it "Saving Ryan's Private"