Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No Offence but I find it funny when deaf people get scared when i'm yawning infront of them

   The government reopened everyone hide your drugs

   We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like....... "well i'm bored, lets go brush our teeth!"

   Super Bowl LII: Patriots vs. Eagles. If it were any more patriotic, it'd be crapping fireworks out of it's end zone. 'Murica!

   I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car

   Apparently during one of the celebrations/riots in Philadelphia someone was arrested for punching a police horse. The man spent the night in jail while the horse was listed a being in “stable “ condition.

   When they make Molasses, what do they do with the rest of the Mole ?

   I wish the weekend came as fast as my ex did.

   Sorry for squirting in your face... Says no female ever.

   These Cheetos are gluten free so yeah, you could say I'm a health nut.

   my girlfriend thinks I am afraid of commitment my wife on the other hand...

   Why did Adam and Eve have the perfect marriage?..... Because neither one of them had a mother in-law.

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   People are so quick to think you smoke when they see a lighter in your room. Did you stop to think for a second that maybe, just maybe I use it to heat up heroin in my teaspoon Abigail?

   Sour grapes make the very worst whine...get over it, she lost.

   Yes I'm a people person. Or as the authorities like to call me, human trafficker.

   If it wasn't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

   $100 for a dozen red what?! That's a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.

   Someone tripped and fell right in front of me , and I didn't point at them and laugh hysterically . Damn I'm getting old.

   had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.