Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never knew that tanning beds had a pumpkin spice setting.

   its amazing how fast my phone is now that I removed the NFL app.

   If I fell and hit my head really hard maybe I'll go see the new Baywatch movie.

   Just for fun today I put on tan pants and a red shirt, walked into Target and yelled "Take this job and shove it!"

   My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. She said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.

   I can't believe I didn't get an Oscar nomination for my performance in, "No, I never got your text!"

   Police have confirmed that a man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it..will be bailed tomorrow!!

   the percentage of people who "tell you what they want, what they really really want" has dropped drastically since 1996

   I can't believe someone would willingly have the sex with some of you people

   What if the hurricaine just didn't like statues?

   Did anyone see last night's episode of South Park? It was hilarious how they were making fun of the rednecks and their obsessive-compulsive disorder for working.

   My friend Ryan is getting his vasectomy reversed tomorrow...I'm planning to make a movie about it and call it "Saving Ryan's Private"

   my therapist told me to write letters to everyone I hate and then to burn them, now I don't know what to do with all these letters...

   Sour grapes make the very worst whine...get over it, she lost.

   Yes I'm a people person. Or as the authorities like to call me, human trafficker.

   If it wasn't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.

   $100 for a dozen red what?! That's a lot of money for a plant you can’t smoke.

   Someone tripped and fell right in front of me , and I didn't point at them and laugh hysterically . Damn I'm getting old.

   had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.

   I walked into a florist today and said “I want a bunch of flowers for my wife.” The cashier looked at me and said, “What are you after?” I said, “Some sex.”