Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is a fine line between fishing and standing on shore looking like an idiot

   This Bundy ranch thing seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through just so Obama can have a ribeye

   I almost sent you a real birthday card but thankfully my Internet connection came back.

   Some mermaids never marry, they just end up with like 200 catfish.

   Can't afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

   50 Shades of Grey - a book for people who don't normally read books or have sex.

   Calm down with the Christmas music Starbucks, it's only the day after Thanksgiving.

   I was taught to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you've been mean to someone, they wouldn't believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it's time to stop being nice.. then destroy them.

   Your tongue is a very powerful muscle. It's strong enough to get your feaking teeth knocked out...

   Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.

   We're not friends until I have at least 38 pictures of you passed out somewhere on on my phone.

   Happy 35th Birthday Pac-Man!

   Calm your tit. Just one tit. Leave your other one crazy and out of control. That's your party tit.

   If Wil.i.ams' tomb stone doesn't say "Wil.i.was" I will be highly disappointed.

   I find it ironic that no one is asking Al Gore to run again, except maybe his cardiologist.

   My love life is like a unicorn. I don't have a unicorn.

   Picking a wedding reception venue is a lot like picking a college - I'm looking for a good place to drink, hang out with my friends and get laid

   To-Do List : Nothing [✓]

   My shirt has a "Made in the USA" label. And that label has its own smaller label that says "Label Made in China."

   laughing because I just pictured you naked!