Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Would you like anything else?" What I said - "A little bit of mayo, please". What the Subway Sandwich Artist heard - "A wholesale club sized jar of Helmann's, put it all on one side, and make sure it all squeezes out when you wrap it up."

   Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.

   How fat am I? I came to the yard literally for a milkshake.

   After much experience paying bank overdraft fees, I have come to believe it can't be mere coincidence that all the letters found in "Debit Card" can be rearranged to spell "baD Credit"...

   I'm at that stage in life where I have to choose between getting loved or getting laid. Tough!

   "You have to pass it to find out what's in it." Isn't that also true for a stool sample?

   Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.

   We're not friends until I have at least 38 pictures of you passed out somewhere on on my phone.

   Happy 35th Birthday Pac-Man!

   Calm your tit. Just one tit. Leave your other one crazy and out of control. That's your party tit.

   Calm down with the Christmas music Starbucks, it's only the day after Thanksgiving.

   I was taught to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you've been mean to someone, they wouldn't believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it's time to stop being nice.. then destroy them.

   Your tongue is a very powerful muscle. It's strong enough to get your feaking teeth knocked out...

   Picking a wedding reception venue is a lot like picking a college - I'm looking for a good place to drink, hang out with my friends and get laid

   To-Do List : Nothing [✓]

   My shirt has a "Made in the USA" label. And that label has its own smaller label that says "Label Made in China."

   laughing because I just pictured you naked!

   I love being a father. Children start off as little bundles of joy and eventually grown up to be great at getting you a beer.

   If por n has taught me anything it’s that if you’re going to put anything in your mouth, you better spit on it first.

   I'm confused, why does the Gangnam Style guy want to launch a nuclear attack on the US?