Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Weird compliments are fun. "I like your shoelaces man." "Why? They're just regular shoelaces?" "Hey now, don't be insecure, those shoelaces are smazzylicious," then walk away. Their expression way

   how many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I'm trying to take my diet seriously now.

   "Would you like anything else?" What I said - "A little bit of mayo, please". What the Subway Sandwich Artist heard - "A wholesale club sized jar of Helmann's, put it all on one side, and make sure it all squeezes out when you wrap it up."

   Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.

   How fat am I? I came to the yard literally for a milkshake.

   After much experience paying bank overdraft fees, I have come to believe it can't be mere coincidence that all the letters found in "Debit Card" can be rearranged to spell "baD Credit"...

   I'm at that stage in life where I have to choose between getting loved or getting laid. Tough!

   "You have to pass it to find out what's in it." Isn't that also true for a stool sample?

   There is a fine line between fishing and standing on shore looking like an idiot

   This Bundy ranch thing seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through just so Obama can have a ribeye

   I almost sent you a real birthday card but thankfully my Internet connection came back.

   Some mermaids never marry, they just end up with like 200 catfish.

   Can't afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

   50 Shades of Grey - a book for people who don't normally read books or have sex.

   Calm down with the Christmas music Starbucks, it's only the day after Thanksgiving.

   I was taught to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you've been mean to someone, they wouldn't believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it's time to stop being nice.. then destroy them.

   Your tongue is a very powerful muscle. It's strong enough to get your feaking teeth knocked out...

   Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.

   We're not friends until I have at least 38 pictures of you passed out somewhere on on my phone.

   Happy 35th Birthday Pac-Man!