Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've fallen down the stairs before. I don't see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.

   Turns out saying "I'm just trying to be supportive" is not a good excuse for trying to hold a girl's boobs

   My telethon to raise money for starving children in Africa was a huge flop. I didn't know the TV added 10 pounds. Those kids looked fine. :(

   I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I'd love to punch in the face.

   MAN LAW 103: No man should EVER sit on the toilet just to pee.

   My girlfriend's name is SLEEP, and I get some every night.

   What I hate most about winter is people coming to bed and touching me their ice cold toes. I know you got your sexy on, but for god's sake wear some socks.

   Today, I am reaching new heights, beating deadlines, achieving my goals without even being asked, staying committed & taking initiative. Today, I'm on leave!

   FAA= Fell Asleep Again

   Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don't lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?

   Making yourself busy won't let you forget what you don't want to remember

   thinks Casey Anthony and OJ need to get together and compare notes....

   Weird compliments are fun. "I like your shoelaces man." "Why? They're just regular shoelaces?" "Hey now, don't be insecure, those shoelaces are smazzylicious," then walk away. Their expression way

   how many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I'm trying to take my diet seriously now.

   "Would you like anything else?" What I said - "A little bit of mayo, please". What the Subway Sandwich Artist heard - "A wholesale club sized jar of Helmann's, put it all on one side, and make sure it all squeezes out when you wrap it up."

   Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.

   How fat am I? I came to the yard literally for a milkshake.

   After much experience paying bank overdraft fees, I have come to believe it can't be mere coincidence that all the letters found in "Debit Card" can be rearranged to spell "baD Credit"...

   I'm at that stage in life where I have to choose between getting loved or getting laid. Tough!

   "You have to pass it to find out what's in it." Isn't that also true for a stool sample?