Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always wondered something. Exactly how cool is a cucumber anyway?

   Describing a woman as "Fine" evokes a certain mental image. Describing her as "Fine as Frogs Hair" evokes a completely different image. For example Courtney Cox is "Fine" but Courney Love is "Fine as Frogs Hair."

   Your status leaves a bad taste on my eyes...

   thinking about how to integrate the lyrics "walk like an Egyptian" into another unique status update

   Where's Kanye West when you need him..

   Girls these days are chasing nuts like squirrels before winter.

   Music these days confuses me. I mean, are there really that many people out there throwing grenades at girls? I wasn't aware that this was an issue.

   A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

   I've fallen down the stairs before. I don't see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.

   Turns out saying "I'm just trying to be supportive" is not a good excuse for trying to hold a girl's boobs

   My telethon to raise money for starving children in Africa was a huge flop. I didn't know the TV added 10 pounds. Those kids looked fine. :(

   I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I'd love to punch in the face.

   MAN LAW 103: No man should EVER sit on the toilet just to pee.

   My girlfriend's name is SLEEP, and I get some every night.

   What I hate most about winter is people coming to bed and touching me their ice cold toes. I know you got your sexy on, but for god's sake wear some socks.

   Today, I am reaching new heights, beating deadlines, achieving my goals without even being asked, staying committed & taking initiative. Today, I'm on leave!

   FAA= Fell Asleep Again

   Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don't lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?

   Making yourself busy won't let you forget what you don't want to remember

   thinks Casey Anthony and OJ need to get together and compare notes....