Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I'd love to punch in the face.

   MAN LAW 103: No man should EVER sit on the toilet just to pee.

   My girlfriend's name is SLEEP, and I get some every night.

   What I hate most about winter is people coming to bed and touching me their ice cold toes. I know you got your sexy on, but for god's sake wear some socks.

   Today, I am reaching new heights, beating deadlines, achieving my goals without even being asked, staying committed & taking initiative. Today, I'm on leave!

   FAA= Fell Asleep Again

   Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don't lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?

   Making yourself busy won't let you forget what you don't want to remember

   thinks Casey Anthony and OJ need to get together and compare notes....

   Weird compliments are fun. "I like your shoelaces man." "Why? They're just regular shoelaces?" "Hey now, don't be insecure, those shoelaces are smazzylicious," then walk away. Their expression way

   There is a fine line between fishing and standing on shore looking like an idiot

   This Bundy ranch thing seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through just so Obama can have a ribeye

   I almost sent you a real birthday card but thankfully my Internet connection came back.

   Some mermaids never marry, they just end up with like 200 catfish.

   Can't afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

   If Wil.i.ams' tomb stone doesn't say "Wil.i.was" I will be highly disappointed.

   I find it ironic that no one is asking Al Gore to run again, except maybe his cardiologist.

   My love life is like a unicorn. I don't have a unicorn.

   50 Shades of Grey - a book for people who don't normally read books or have sex.

   how many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I'm trying to take my diet seriously now.