Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Folger's lied... There is no "best part of waking up", no matter what you put in my cup!

   Some people bring out the worst in you, others bring out the best, and then there are those remarkably rare, addictive ones who just bring out the most. Of everything. They make you feel so alive that you'd follow them straight into hell, to get the fix

   Christmas - when loved ones visit to celebrate someone born in a barn but complain that your sofabed's uncomfortable.

   Scientist - My findings are pointless when they are taken out of context......Main Stream Media - Scientist claims "findings are pointless."

   Now that I have hit 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka. I wonder if Metamucil will mix with Bourbon? Hmmmmm.....

   Never Laugh at your wife's Choice.....You are one of them

   The word "goodnight" makes my 1-yr-old cry, so I've had to rewrite some bedtime stories. "Howdy, Moon!"

   I think my girlfriend misunderstood me when I asked if we could go to "the outback" tonight!

   Who the puck names their kid Wolfgang?

   I read through my phone, hoping there weren't any drunk texts by me from the night before. Apparently I dirty texted everyone, even my boss.

   farted in a closed lift: it was wrong on so many levels!

   Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.

   Cat's and dogs must be pretty stupid to just play with the same toy over and over as if it might do something new. Now go check your iPhones again....and again....and again.....

   Come on, who are you going to believe? Me or the background check?

   Though accurate, "I Need Sleep Or I'll Kill You," doesn't have quite the same ring as "Beauty Rest."

   To steal from one is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

   My “Sleep Number” is pretty much 24/7.

   Now remember, in a romantic passionate marriage no one wears the pants.

   Rum, Dr. Pepper, and the Curse of the Black Pearl. The end to a great weekend!

   Teenage pregnancy just dropped 50% due to the release of Madden12