Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know my name, not my story. You’ve heard what I’ve done, not what I’ve been through. If you were in my shoes, you’d fall the first step.

   Today local police found an unidentified man's body in a park nearby. They describe him as having a Beer Belly, Saggy Balls, Wrinkly Ass and a tiny little Wiener. I was just checking to make sure that you are okay.

   Obviously the movie "the good wife" is not based on a true story. It's fiction people.

   Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"

   Pawn Stars Man: Hey can I have change for a dollar? Rick: The best I can do is 25 cents.

   Weird to think we're just fifteen years away from Snooki being a grandmother

   Shout out to all the hard of hearing people!

   OK. So I danced like no one was watching. My Court date is pending.

   I bet Tequila flavored condoms would be a huge hit in Mexico. Vodka for Russia and Burgers with Fries for the U.S.

   There may be plenty of fish in the sea, but to catch them, you must first become a Master Baiter. :))

   I always keep a baseball bat under my bed, just in case someone breaks into the house and throws a ball at me.

   Domino's is spending a lot of money to tell us that little pieces of bread with cheese on them is the greatest idea they've ever had.

   Girl with 3 dogs: committed owner. Girl with 3 cats: committed lunatic.

   Damn it!!! My neighbor mowed his grass, now I got to mow mine again. :/ I'm gonna lower my deck two notches lower than his, just to piss him off!!!

   You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life. - Winston Churchill

   I like to sit round a campfire telling ghost stories until I realise I'm on acid, the dwarves aren't listening & my kitchen table is on fire.

   Not to brag or anything, but my bank balance is over $100k (the k is silent).

   I want my casket to have a crank on it that plays the jack-in-box music.

   No, Alicia Keys loves her piano, so her baby will be named Piano Keys ;)

   i was winning egg hunts before I was even born