Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow

   Tony Romo tried to throw a celebration party but it got intercepted.

   I'm not bringing sexy back. I'm the reason sexy left in the first place.

   When you can have sex whenever you want...you won't want it every day. TRUST ME.

   If I wasn't married, a twelve pack of toilet paper would last me three years.

   Making America great, one round of golf at a time.

   Maybe, if they didn't take the test, they wouldn't even have it.

   You know we haven't seen in all of Hillary's emails? Anything detailing how to make America great again! Hmm

   a Jedi. Obviously.

   not gaining weight, he's retaining food!

   flashing your titts in public doesnt make you a wh*re, its makes you AWESOME!!

   Yo mamma so fat that when she lays on the beach, Green Peace try to push her back into the water.

   Once you go black you can never afford to go back

   When Barack Obama was giving his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass. I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone.

   Everything is made in China, Except for babies, They're made in the VaChina

   Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

   Lets just say I like my milk without the chunks. Don't ask me how I know this.

   I Love People Who Find It Easy To Agree With Me But I Respect The People Who Can Muster The Courage & The Balls To Disagree With Me!!

   Someone asked me for my email address today, I don't know, I never email myself!!!

   What were the Beckhams thinking, calling their baby girl Harper Seven? If she'd been born 15 minutes later she could have been Kwarta Eight LOL