Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   plantar fasciitis is my arch nemesis.

   Secure passwords are important. So I named my dog "x_9J6B=oM%"

   Making America great, one round of golf at a time.

   You know we haven't seen in all of Hillary's emails? Anything detailing how to make America great again! Hmm

   Maybe, if they didn't take the test, they wouldn't even have it.

   a Jedi. Obviously.

   not gaining weight, he's retaining food!

   flashing your titts in public doesnt make you a wh*re, its makes you AWESOME!!

   Yo mamma so fat that when she lays on the beach, Green Peace try to push her back into the water.

   Once you go black you can never afford to go back

   When Barack Obama was giving his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass. I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone.

   Everything is made in China, Except for babies, They're made in the VaChina

   Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

   Lets just say I like my milk without the chunks. Don't ask me how I know this.

   I Love People Who Find It Easy To Agree With Me But I Respect The People Who Can Muster The Courage & The Balls To Disagree With Me!!

   Someone asked me for my email address today, I don't know, I never email myself!!!

   What were the Beckhams thinking, calling their baby girl Harper Seven? If she'd been born 15 minutes later she could have been Kwarta Eight LOL

   My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

   That moment of panic when you accidentally hurt someone else's child and the parents are in the next room

   People make life so hard. smile be happy. hold no grudges. and have sex