Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The next person to tell me it's Pi day is going to die.

   plantar fasciitis is my arch nemesis.

   Secure passwords are important. So I named my dog "x_9J6B=oM%"

   Tupac has been dead for 18 years and still makes albums and you can't text me back?

   Chelsea Clinton gives birth to a daughter.......I hope Bill doesn't pass out any of his own cigars......

   I went to Ferguson, MO and all I looted was this lousy T-shirt...

   Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again.

   Going vegetarian is a missed steak.......sorry had to

   "Can I get that in camouflage?" White guys named Cody.

   I don't have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow

   Tony Romo tried to throw a celebration party but it got intercepted.

   I'm not bringing sexy back. I'm the reason sexy left in the first place.

   When you can have sex whenever you want...you won't want it every day. TRUST ME.

   If I wasn't married, a twelve pack of toilet paper would last me three years.

   Making America great, one round of golf at a time.

   You know we haven't seen in all of Hillary's emails? Anything detailing how to make America great again! Hmm

   Maybe, if they didn't take the test, they wouldn't even have it.

   a Jedi. Obviously.

   not gaining weight, he's retaining food!

   Yo mamma so fat that when she lays on the beach, Green Peace try to push her back into the water.