Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.

   remember the police are sort of like dogs, they usually don't chase you unless you run.

   puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again.

   If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   • Do you know one good thing about Monday? ...I can't think of anything either. OK Monday, here I come.

   taking the road less traveled . . . . now where am i?

   You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

   it just me or is Beyoncé singing "Halo" with the line, "remember those Walls I built, well baby they tumbling down". Slightly inappropriate for the Haiti EARTHQUAKE appeal!!!!

   In regards to Tiger Woods press conference a few days a go, I'm staying tuned for Ron Jeremy's apology for getting caught playing golf.

   cautious. There is a "Stop Time" button on the microwave that was probably supposed to read "Stop Timer" but I don't press it, just in case.

   Never chase after a man or a train - another one will always come along.

   Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. --

   Instead of Facebooks asking "What's on your mind?", it should ask "Where's the beef?"

   I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, sh!t on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me B!tch." I don't own a hamster.

   hypothetical high five.... wait for it...... NICE!!

   Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off...

   A friend in need is a pest indeed.

   I'm looking for a women who loves me for my money but isn't good at math

   your crush ignoring your text messages? They're playing hard to get, start showing up at their Facebook check-in locations.

   Every time someone moves a tweet from Twitter to Facebook, God pushes a baby bird out of a nest into the mouth of a kitten. Stop that!