Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why hello Mr. Cup of Tea which is scoldingly hot for the next 30 minutes but magically becomes ice tea 1 minute later..

   Note to self: Mr. Tequila and Mr. Keyboard do not play well together

   puts the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again.

   If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   • Do you know one good thing about Monday? ...I can't think of anything either. OK Monday, here I come.

   taking the road less traveled . . . . now where am i?

   You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

   it just me or is Beyoncé singing "Halo" with the line, "remember those Walls I built, well baby they tumbling down". Slightly inappropriate for the Haiti EARTHQUAKE appeal!!!!

   In regards to Tiger Woods press conference a few days a go, I'm staying tuned for Ron Jeremy's apology for getting caught playing golf.

   cautious. There is a "Stop Time" button on the microwave that was probably supposed to read "Stop Timer" but I don't press it, just in case.

   I'm looking for a women who loves me for my money but isn't good at math

   your crush ignoring your text messages? They're playing hard to get, start showing up at their Facebook check-in locations.

   Every time someone moves a tweet from Twitter to Facebook, God pushes a baby bird out of a nest into the mouth of a kitten. Stop that!

   with some people I wouldn't even pee on if they were on fire, in fact I'd take out a marsh mellow and enjoy.

   wishes Jersey Shore was like survivor, so they could all vote Sammi off the island.

   Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.

   Never chase after a man or a train - another one will always come along.

   Just remember, no matter where you go, there you are. --

   Instead of Facebooks asking "What's on your mind?", it should ask "Where's the beef?"

   I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, sh!t on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me B!tch." I don't own a hamster.