Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bill the serial flasher was thinking of retiring, but he's decided he's gonna stick it out for another year.

   We become what we most hate. So I'll apologize now for eventually playing for the Cowboys

   "Dude I wasn't that drunk".... "Dude you started watching the Twilight Trilogy"

   What kind of idiot would take a cab from West Philly to Bel Air?

   America, a country where people spend half of their money on food, and the other half on losing weight.

   What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep.... And Helium just brings it back to normal?

   Where is the button to restart summer?

   I called it "Perseverance" the court, however, called it "stalking"

   My dad never loved me as a child. I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult.

   Lets flip a coin, heads I get tail, tails I get head.

   LADIES: If you're at the Fair and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there too. He'll find you immediately.

   tolerance isn't supporting something you agree with, it's supporting something you don't agree with...

   I know you think saying you need everything "ASAP" makes you seem important, but really it makes you seem like you can't plan.

   Why hello Mr. Cup of Tea which is scoldingly hot for the next 30 minutes but magically becomes ice tea 1 minute later..

   Note to self: Mr. Tequila and Mr. Keyboard do not play well together

   98.23% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

   They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak

   renting out his status box as advertising space..

   A Ghostbuster... now everyone can stop asking who they're gonna call.

   just kissed my man, stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breath of fresh air, sipped my coffee, looked up, waved to neighbor, perfect morning! What could go wrong? Crap! forgot to put pants on!