Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will get drunk and dress like Batman tonight. The city needs me. Unfortunately, wife won't let me out the yard when I'm dressed like this.

   Stalking is such a negative word...I like to consider myself as a "distant admirer"

   When I'm on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left the diamonds on an Island, look for clues on my FB!.....", just to get them to read all the jo kes i've posted.

   Ladies, I'm already fat, so you know what I'll look like after we get married.

   I actually Luke autocorrect

   You get a dozen chances to make a first impression when you're dealing with a pothead.

   If being a vegitarian is so awesome, how come they want that $hit to look like meat??

   Bill the serial flasher was thinking of retiring, but he's decided he's gonna stick it out for another year.

   We become what we most hate. So I'll apologize now for eventually playing for the Cowboys

   "Dude I wasn't that drunk".... "Dude you started watching the Twilight Trilogy"

   What kind of idiot would take a cab from West Philly to Bel Air?

   America, a country where people spend half of their money on food, and the other half on losing weight.

   What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep.... And Helium just brings it back to normal?

   Where is the button to restart summer?

   I called it "Perseverance" the court, however, called it "stalking"

   My dad never loved me as a child. I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult.

   Lets flip a coin, heads I get tail, tails I get head.

   LADIES: If you're at the Fair and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there too. He'll find you immediately.

   tolerance isn't supporting something you agree with, it's supporting something you don't agree with...

   I know you think saying you need everything "ASAP" makes you seem important, but really it makes you seem like you can't plan.