Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it that people always point to their wrist when they ask what time it is? I don't see them pointing to their ass when they ask where that bathroom is!!!

   just heard about the scientist that wants to rename the planet Uranus because it's rude. It's true, Google it! I reckon that's a damn good idea...let's call it Urectum instead.

   ..sold her tv and bought a dvd player. Bargain! Oh..wait..

   I praise these men and women of this proud and God fearing nation they are so important to the history of this country with out them we would be under someone else's rule. I thank you mlitary men and women. Posted to the idiot who didn't sign his name!!

   Somewhere, skeletons and secret gays are fighting over closet space...

   If Axel Rose don't say, "Down on your sha, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, knees." before getting a BJ... then he's not as cool as I thought he was.

   I found my first grey pubic hair today.,,,,Normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac!

   I understand if you aren't religious, I respect that. But you don't have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

   You know your getting fat when you go to unbotton your pants...and it already done

   bored of thinking of funny things to write in status and isn't going to bother this time

   My boss asked me why I wasn't working today. I dont him I was going as Obama Care for Halloween

   Drunk is... Fumbling in the dark with a condom wrapper, only to discover you've been trying to open a packet of McDonald's ketchup for the last 15 minutes.

   During sex, I like to freak out my girlfriend by saying stuff like, "Fu*k me like a cold glass of milk"

   running with scissors... makes me feel dangerous!

   just because they CAN put a mosque there doesn't make it morally right. In fact it's the biggest slap in the face to us.

   A dad walks in on his blind son who is beating off. Dad says "you better slow down or you'll go....nevermind son."

   quit criticizing the girls that take slutty pics and put them on Facebook! I like looking at them you homo!

   If you watch Cinderella backwards its about a woman who learns her place.

   I wanted a cigar but they were too expensive. I rolled some tobacco in a piece of brown construction paper........ It was close, but no cigar.

   My anus is the center hole. J. Geils Band. Songs back then really meant something.