Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm 32 years old and I finally slept with my highschool crush. But now she expects me to go to her graduation.

   I shot Big Foot and dumped him in the ocean before I could get any pictures.

   when I was young I used to think cheerios was doughnut seeds.

   Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

   I am 100% certain that Band Camp enrollment went up by a third after the movie American Pie! Thanks Stiffler!!

   Easy explanation for dead birds falling from sky...they keep hitting Wonder Woman's invisible jet.

   just heard about the scientist that wants to rename the planet Uranus because it's rude. It's true, Google it! I reckon that's a damn good idea...let's call it Urectum instead.

   ..sold her tv and bought a dvd player. Bargain! Oh..wait..

   I just responded to a text message someone sent me a year ago with, "yeah, sounds good. Let's do that."

   RELATIONSHIP: A bond between two people; One person works to create/maintain love and fufillment while the other person waits for something better to come along....:(

   Why is it that people always point to their wrist when they ask what time it is? I don't see them pointing to their ass when they ask where that bathroom is!!!

   WTF is up with people hating on HipHop these days? Thanks to Lil Wayne,I now know that a "Goblin" is better than a "Goon", Pitbull taught Me how to count to 4 in Spanish, and Plies taught me how to be intimate with a woman by pouring Kool-Aid down her a$$

   Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   I praise these men and women of this proud and God fearing nation they are so important to the history of this country with out them we would be under someone else's rule. I thank you mlitary men and women. Posted to the idiot who didn't sign his name!!

   Somewhere, skeletons and secret gays are fighting over closet space...

   If Axel Rose don't say, "Down on your sha, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, knees." before getting a BJ... then he's not as cool as I thought he was.

   I found my first grey pubic hair today.,,,,Normally things like this don't bother me, but it was in my Big Mac!

   I understand if you aren't religious, I respect that. But you don't have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

   You know your getting fat when you go to unbotton your pants...and it already done

   bored of thinking of funny things to write in status and isn't going to bother this time