Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like my women like.oh never mind its all the same in the dark

   Be right with you, I'm not quite through disappointing this person yet.

   Sometimes when I'm in the shower I have epiphanies of intellectual brilliance. Other times I just think about chips and dip

   It's so frustrating when your hitman doesn't answer the phone after you've made amends with someone

   Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”

   At my age being called adorable feels a lot like a challenge.

   where the hell was Torreto???

   What you see is what you get with me. Unless you see my snacks.

   Relationship Status : Packing my bags.

   There's magic in the air and it's called Wifi.

   Tip Of The Day # 12232013 (for novice surgeon doctors ) " The way to a man's heart is through his stomach "

   To catch a bus you have to think like a bus!

   You should be able to pick a theme for your Facebook movie... Because some of you should need to pick drama...

   In Kanyes defense, you would be an a$$hole too if you had to hang out with Kanye all the time.

   Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin' strips. Let's see if the customers notice.

   So this 19 year old Miranda chick on Craigslist says she's interested in me!!

   Calling it his "junk" is probably the least sexy thing a guy could do...

   When someone throws a drink in my face I just open my mouth so we both win.

   Money doesn’t buy happiness... Wait, look at all of those smiling women walking around wearing diamonds.

   So when I pump gas, has my truck pumped all the other vehicles that this nozzle has pumped?