Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Greece.You will get your weather back when you have paid the bills.

   Calories(noun)-Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sewyour clothes a little bit tighter every night.

   ‎2 days before the new iphone comes out the Blackberry network crashes... Well Played Apple!

   Pretty is something you're born with. But beautiful, that's an equal opportunity adjective.

   i wonder if men who wear skinny jeans have to wear thongs too since there is clearly no room for boxers or briefs in those things

   longing for the good old days when "Anarchists" were protesting for something other than more government.

   Some smartphone you turned out to be. You should have known better than to let me call my damn Ex.

   The problem with trying to avoid a problem by “playing stupid” is that far too often, you wind up looking like you won. .

   When the sex is good, the neighbours get no rest.

   Lifting the toilet seat AND putting it back down are 2 steps. If women really want equality, they're going to have to take on a step here.

   If you're going to play games with me, they are going to be by my rules!

   Happier than a Redneck driving a race car!!!!!

   I hired a brass band to celebrate the birth of my child. I enjoyed it, but I think my wife was a little p1ssed off with the 15 hour drum roll.

   Watching Bowling on ESPN...they should have extreme bowling...skate boards, a few ramps then BAM throw that ball down the lane.

   I had a nightmare. I dreamt I was you.

   Be careful in who you choose... and careful what you fall for.

   We can get a man to the moon, but somehow we can't manufacture the head of a car wash broom to stay on....

   1. Playstation network hacked by someone in San Diego. 2. Navy SEALS are based near San Diego. 3. Bin Laden shot dead next to a PS3. = A good job by the SEALS but now Sony wants a word with the SEALS....... And they do not look happy!

   Whenever I get called for jury duty.., I wear my American flag onesie so the lawyers know my brand of justice is pure.

   Alright bed, be warned! I will kick your ass with some hardcore sleeping! Like five hours worth!!