Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happier than a Redneck driving a race car!!!!!

   I hired a brass band to celebrate the birth of my child. I enjoyed it, but I think my wife was a little p1ssed off with the 15 hour drum roll.

   Watching Bowling on ESPN...they should have extreme bowling...skate boards, a few ramps then BAM throw that ball down the lane.

   I had a nightmare. I dreamt I was you.

   Be careful in who you choose... and careful what you fall for.

   We can get a man to the moon, but somehow we can't manufacture the head of a car wash broom to stay on....

   1. Playstation network hacked by someone in San Diego. 2. Navy SEALS are based near San Diego. 3. Bin Laden shot dead next to a PS3. = A good job by the SEALS but now Sony wants a word with the SEALS....... And they do not look happy!

   Whenever I get called for jury duty.., I wear my American flag onesie so the lawyers know my brand of justice is pure.

   Alright bed, be warned! I will kick your ass with some hardcore sleeping! Like five hours worth!!

   Give yourself an even greater challenge than the one you are trying to master and you will develop the powers necessary to overcome the original difficulty.

   Anonymous goes to doctor. During the prostate exam he says, "Hey doc your ring is kinda hurting me, can you take it off?" The Doctor says "I'm sorry, that's not my ring that's my watch."

   I used to be a male trapped inside a female's body. But then I was born and everything was OK.

   And in the news today. Keith Richards is not dead yet. . .

   She blinded me with science! Well, Chemistry... Mace. It was mace.

   Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

   Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

   I was just kicked out of a restaurant because of my pants. Wasn't wearing any.

   Who ever stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy.

   You never hear anyone singing, wishing they can all be Alabama girls.

   Hello, Acme? I'd like to order a rocket and a pair of roller skates. Oh yeah, and a sign that says "Yikes." ...No, I haven't caught him yet.