Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The problem with trying to avoid a problem by “playing stupid” is that far too often, you wind up looking like you won. .

   When the sex is good, the neighbours get no rest.

   Lifting the toilet seat AND putting it back down are 2 steps. If women really want equality, they're going to have to take on a step here.

   If you're going to play games with me, they are going to be by my rules!

   Happier than a Redneck driving a race car!!!!!

   I hired a brass band to celebrate the birth of my child. I enjoyed it, but I think my wife was a little p1ssed off with the 15 hour drum roll.

   Watching Bowling on ESPN...they should have extreme bowling...skate boards, a few ramps then BAM throw that ball down the lane.

   I had a nightmare. I dreamt I was you.

   Be careful in who you choose... and careful what you fall for.

   We can get a man to the moon, but somehow we can't manufacture the head of a car wash broom to stay on....

   1. Playstation network hacked by someone in San Diego. 2. Navy SEALS are based near San Diego. 3. Bin Laden shot dead next to a PS3. = A good job by the SEALS but now Sony wants a word with the SEALS....... And they do not look happy!

   Whenever I get called for jury duty.., I wear my American flag onesie so the lawyers know my brand of justice is pure.

   Alright bed, be warned! I will kick your ass with some hardcore sleeping! Like five hours worth!!

   Give yourself an even greater challenge than the one you are trying to master and you will develop the powers necessary to overcome the original difficulty.

   Thighland a country or an awesome strip joint?

   Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

   In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

   wow, already December? Time flies when you've been drunk since March

   I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

   Ya all complained about Jlo at the Superbowl snl look what you got, Jock strap Face