Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can't wait to play the Lotto once again. I was so close last week. I was only off by 6 numbers.

   Sleep + social life = Bad grades. Good grades + sleep = No social life. Good grades + social life = No sleep.

   My girl was getting dressed and should stood in the doorway and asked "Do I look fat in this dress" I said "Nope, but that is definitely a narrow doorway"

   I wanna apologize for my behavior yesterday. I take allergy medicine and you're not suppose to mix it with 16 shots of tequila

   I am in a prison for something I didn't do. I didn't run fast enough.

   The picture that comes inside the picture frame you buy, The people in it are always more attractive than the people in your picture. Makes it difficult to make the switch

   "New and Improved" ... if it's something new, how are they improving it? I'm calling B.S. on that...

   Hmmm,, So what you're saying, is that if the parrot is on his right shoulder,,, he's a butt pirate?.. Ummm, I'm only here to get my parking validated.

   I'll call you Daddy......no problem, when I get a weekly allowance!

   "This is embarrassing, but would you believe we actually met offline?" - married couples in 5 years

   I've decided to nickname my fridge 'Facebook'. Because even if I know there's nothing there, I still check it every time I go into the room.

   at the beginning of spongebob the captain guy says "i cant hear you"...the Verizon guy keeps saying "can you hear me now?"....i wonder if the 2 are on the phone together

   Throwing ice at people who need to chill the fu@k out.

   got some pajama jeans..my wife said they make my ass look big.

   Brownies cure frownies, this statement has not been evaluated by the FDA

   I am the world's foremost authority on my own opinions.

   I don't think I'll ever forgive the media for covering “Dancing with the Stars” like it's news.

   I like you. I'm gonna put you on repeat til I get sick of you, then I'm gonna take you off my playlist.

   I think my best friends and I abuse each other more than the people we actually hate.

   Time Magazine names "The Protestor" as Person of the Year. If you disagree, congratulations, you just won Person of the Year!