Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   had absolutely no sympathy for the large woman who dropped her mars bar in front of me today but physically couldnt get down to pick it up

   America has a whole day dedicated to a film starring Will Smith...

   figured out that the shin bone is intended for finding furniture in a dark room.

   as bored as a midget in a theme park

   OMG another wardrobe malfunction at the Super Bowl! Did anyone else see Pete Townsend's belly????

   Party tonight, bring booze or chicks. Seperate, or one already in the other. Your call...

   Does Red or White Wine go better with Swedish Fish?

   a little nervous today....i am having plastic surgery...gottta cut my credit cards up..and its gonna hurrrt ♥ ♥ thoughts and prayers please!!! :)

   HATE: a SPECIAL KIND OF LOVE GIVEN TO PEOPLE WHO SUCK!

   Happy Earth Day!! Time to plant all the greens burned 2 days ago.....

   I can't help but notice the majority of People Magazine's "Never Before Seen Photos" are photos I have no desire to see at all..

   how am I supposed to look at the glass as half full when I drank all the beer??

   A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

   I think that the trouble I have with trouble is that it usually starts out as fun.

   Feels like tap dancing on someone's face with golf shoes on..

   Carrot cakes sounds like it shouldn't be a real thing

   it's time to break out the kiddie pool and fill it with cranberry sauce.... Time for Bubba and Sis to fight over that turkey leg Springer-style. Gotta love Family Thanksgiving Traditions....

   Sorry, my social calender is full this weekend. Going to a HoeDown, a Shindig and a Hootenanny.

   I know that you don't understand but I think it's cute that you're trying.

   remember the old steam pipes in school making noise as they would heat up....bet that is like the sound of dial up internet to kids today..