Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am not saying she is ugly but if she had kids, I wouldn't want one of her puppies

   I finally got a job at the.bakery because I kneaded the dough.

   Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

   I've been trying and trying yet so far no luck. I can't seem to get MapQuest to pull up a shortcut to Friday.

   I don't know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese's to a box of tampons could literally save lives.

   You want romance? Seriously? In this economy?

   I find it ironic that Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to alter the Constitution to enable him to run for President...an office in which the very oath thereof states "...PRESERVE, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States."

   Walmart calls it the "self checkout" line. I call it the "I'm not going to pay for all of this" line.

   Whoever named rice cakes obviously doesn't know jack$hit about cake!!

   The new Star Wars movie will feature a fat robot to star alongside R2D2 & C3PO. He will be called OBCT!

   I'm so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..

   If guys were smart, they'd forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.

   Over the weekend in California — a big one, a 6.0 earthquake. It was so powerful that Lindsey Lohan was driving on the right side of the road.

   The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

   I'm so looking forward to Halloween! Wonder if I'll see any costumes as scary as Renee Zellweger's new face...

   WTH?? AC/DC Drummer Phil Rudd was arrested for trying to hire a hitman! Well now I'm disillusioned. So much for AC/DC knowing anything at all about "Dirty Deeds done Dirt Cheap".

   The GOP has now turned into the GQP, and this is why I'm out!

   Michael Vick says he wants a dog someday. Which is a little bit like John Wayne Gacy saying he'd someday like to have a teenage boy.

   I'm not saying you're a D!ck but Brett Favre just texted me your picture.

   HATE: a SPECIAL KIND OF LOVE GIVEN TO PEOPLE WHO SUCK!