Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ATMs and automated gas pumps have been around for years but Wal Mart puts in self checkout lanes and people act like the world is ending...

   Well it's Game Day. I wonder if Tom Brady will be feeling a lot of pressure

   I just noticed that if I slouch over just right I can make my belly fat look like 3-pack abs. Oh Yeah, half way to "Sexy-town".

   I need to slap the Pharmacist that put my pet's prescription in the same amber vial as mine, but first...I need to piss on this mailbox.

   Don't ask me for directions I got lost on an elevator once.

   People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

   This Halloween I'm going to be my wife and just complain all day.

   I am not saying she is ugly but if she had kids, I wouldn't want one of her puppies

   I finally got a job at the.bakery because I kneaded the dough.

   Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

   I've been trying and trying yet so far no luck. I can't seem to get MapQuest to pull up a shortcut to Friday.

   I don't know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese's to a box of tampons could literally save lives.

   You want romance? Seriously? In this economy?

   I find it ironic that Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to alter the Constitution to enable him to run for President...an office in which the very oath thereof states "...PRESERVE, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States."

   Walmart calls it the "self checkout" line. I call it the "I'm not going to pay for all of this" line.

   Whoever named rice cakes obviously doesn't know jack$hit about cake!!

   The new Star Wars movie will feature a fat robot to star alongside R2D2 & C3PO. He will be called OBCT!

   I'm so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..

   If guys were smart, they'd forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.

   Over the weekend in California — a big one, a 6.0 earthquake. It was so powerful that Lindsey Lohan was driving on the right side of the road.