Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i had a really bad day today. First , my ex girlfriend got hit by a bus. Then, I got fired from the bus company..

   How does a person from New Zealand find a sheep in tall grass? Very satisfying.

   I spent most of my childhood terrified that the rhythm was going to get me.

   If maxi pad commercials didn't exist,,, Men Still would have no idea, that girls are full of blue windshield wiper fluid.

   My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. "You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No I'm not." I laughed. She said, "I'm talking to the kids."

   If by “Hold” you mean take a moment to reflect on your poor customer service and how I should take my business elsewhere? Then yes, I’ll hold.

   If you can't tell the difference between Digorno and delivery, you probably can't tell the difference between jacking off and poon tang...

   If at first you don't succeed, get her drunk.

   If you come up to me and talk like a pirate today, tomorrow will be " National Spit On A Person Who Celebrated 'National Talk Like A Pirate Day' Day"...

   Hey! There's a new 90 minute comedy/variety show that starts tonight at 9pm! I believe it's called 'Fun with Mitt and Barack'... I don't know though, bet it gets cancelled after 3 shows...

   Our love making is great but it's the talking, cuddling and intimacy I enjoy the most…..ok, she's gone. It's really the sex!!

   I am tried of 7 day weeks and having to wait for the weekend. I think the week should be as followed. Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Get rid of Wednesday and Thursdays. . .

   I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

   If the first rule of fight club was not to discuss it. Why did they make a movie about it?

   Don't you hate it when you have an older family member on Facebook and they comment on EVERYTHING you do.

   Just once I would like to see an ultimate fighting montage set to Olivia Newton John's song Physical.

   What came first, internet porn or "clear all search history"?

   :Shout out to single moms (because I know they put out).

   Does anyone know of a way to "block" themselves? I'm tired of reading the sh*t that I post.

   There's more than one way to skin a cat. There are four,, and they're all horrible.. Can we not talk about this?