Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you've made it,, when your joke makes its way back to you in someone else's Facebook status

   Don't fall in love, fall off a bridge... Its much less painful

   How to fix America: 1. Put all the money into education. 2. More Green Energy. 3. Stop airing Keeping Up with the Kardashians

   my family deals with the heat like it does other family members; by resenting it until it goes away

   There's more than one way to skin a cat. There are four,, and they're all horrible.. Can we not talk about this?

   Paper cut: A tree's one glorious moment of revenge.

   I'm waiting for Joseph Kony to make a YouTube video advocating against jerking off in public.

   Give a man to fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'd stop after a day & be like "Screw that. It was way easier wen you guys just got me fish"

   And on the third day God created the beach,, so every 70's rock band would have a place to shoot their album cover.

   If you go through life without giving a "F" then you are only living a Li[ ]e.

   Dear recent college graduates, We like to play hard-to-get. Sincerely, jobs.

   People think I'm quiet because I'm shy, but really I've been silently judging them from afar and determining that they're all phucking retards

   One thing that will always remain true: There is no cool way to run with a backpack

   if sperm tasted good, none of us would be here......

   When you have sex with someone for the first time you get an idea of what their ex liked

   Don't you hate it when you have an older family member on Facebook and they comment on EVERYTHING you do.

   Just once I would like to see an ultimate fighting montage set to Olivia Newton John's song Physical.

   What came first, internet porn or "clear all search history"?

   :Shout out to single moms (because I know they put out).

   Does anyone know of a way to "block" themselves? I'm tired of reading the sh*t that I post.