Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People think I'm quiet because I'm shy, but really I've been silently judging them from afar and determining that they're all phucking retards

   One thing that will always remain true: There is no cool way to run with a backpack

   if sperm tasted good, none of us would be here......

   When you have sex with someone for the first time you get an idea of what their ex liked

   Don't you hate it when you have an older family member on Facebook and they comment on EVERYTHING you do.

   Just once I would like to see an ultimate fighting montage set to Olivia Newton John's song Physical.

   What came first, internet porn or "clear all search history"?

   :Shout out to single moms (because I know they put out).

   Does anyone know of a way to "block" themselves? I'm tired of reading the sh*t that I post.

   Oh so you're not a slut? What are you a volunteer prostitue or something?

   It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

   you can't bring a water bottle on a plane because it could be a bomb... but thats ok, just go put it in that garbage can overthere

   If Satan punishes the evildoers, wouldn't that make him a good guy?

   Life is what you make it! Be careful what ingredients you add!

   Me and the ex used to do a bit of roleplaying once in a while, Well, uhhh, lemme tell you this much.... that was the first and last time I ever used my "Sean Connery" accent to ask her to sit on my face...... :(

   I went to the doctors the other day fearing I mave have gotten an S.T.D., he asked if I used protection....Well obviously, duh...... gloves, ski-mask, dark clothing, chloroform....

   If jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, WHY THE HELL IS EVERYONE SINGING ABOUT IT!!..

   If I'm ever on life support, pull the plug and plug it back in. See if that works.

   Quit while you're ah

   These red lights never give me enough time to finish my Facebook status upda