Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese's to a box of tampons could literally save lives.

   You want romance? Seriously? In this economy?

   I find it ironic that Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to alter the Constitution to enable him to run for President...an office in which the very oath thereof states "...PRESERVE, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States."

   Walmart calls it the "self checkout" line. I call it the "I'm not going to pay for all of this" line.

   Whoever named rice cakes obviously doesn't know jack$hit about cake!!

   I've been trying and trying yet so far no luck. I can't seem to get MapQuest to pull up a shortcut to Friday.

   Life is what you make it! Be careful what ingredients you add!

   Coins always make sounds, but paper money is mostly silent. So when your value increases, keep yourself silent and humble

   When will FOX realize that they are the only squares who spell it "Usama"..

   I can only hope that someday I have the self esteem of the 300 pound guy wearing spandex that just came in.

   I like my women the way I like my coffee. Yup, I like blonde slutty coffee with low self esteem.

   Expect nothing but plan for the worst, hope for the best and prepare to be surprised.

   If I'm ever on life support, pull the plug and plug it back in. See if that works.

   Quit while you're ah

   These red lights never give me enough time to finish my Facebook status upda

   Would it kill the gas stations to put an extra 5 feet of rubber hose on the pumps so I dont have to look like a complete idiot whenever I pull up to the gas pump and my tank is on the wrong side

   After pulling an all-nighter, I had the pleasure of meeting my girlfriend's mother for the very first time. She walked in on me in the bathroom...I had fallen asleep while taking a dump...

   Me and the ex used to do a bit of roleplaying once in a while, Well, uhhh, lemme tell you this much.... that was the first and last time I ever used my "Sean Connery" accent to ask her to sit on my face...... :(

   I went to the doctors the other day fearing I mave have gotten an S.T.D., he asked if I used protection....Well obviously, duh...... gloves, ski-mask, dark clothing, chloroform....

   If jimmy cracked corn and no one cares, WHY THE HELL IS EVERYONE SINGING ABOUT IT!!..