Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It just means that you found the right medication.

   If Friday ever came up missing... than more than likely Monday had something to do with it!

   Some people have such annoying habits, for instance-breathing...

   I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, 'I'd tap that.'

   If someone is in the next stall while I'm using the men's room I like to yell that my water just broke.

   Believe me, I have been trying really hard to pay attention to what you have to say, but somehow, not giving a sh*t always gets in the way.

   Ran out of toilet paper... So I looked around for a suitable replacement. Found a box of Kleenex. Should've examined the box a little closer as it had an added bonus of Vicks Vapor Rub. Now the butt is icy hot. :/

   They say "dress for the job you want", but no one seems to understand the only job I want is to be the new Hamburger Helper Helping Hand.

   There is no angry way to say 'bubbles.'

   I call my lovemaking technique the "Bond Martini" because it leaves women shaken, not stirred.

   I think the first time I realized I was dyslexic was when I went to a Toga party dressed as a goat

   Stuff happens.. but it is nothing that a bowl of Captain Crunch can't fix

   That moment of depression when you find out that you ran out of milk for your cereal.

   thinking why the hell are people confusing Green Hornet and Green Lantern... The only similarity is the word "Green"...No wonder movies like "Vampire Sucks" and "Disaster Movie", is able to achieve number 1 status. -_-

   george washington owned a dodge charger---wikipedia

   a coincidence is only a coincidence if you don't have an open mind

   When I am king, you will be first against the wall, With your opinion which is of no consequence at all.

   thinks Larry King has used up 8 of his 9 wives....

   I'm pretty damn sure me wife is in the 33% of the married women who claim their pets are better listeners than their husbands - last night I saw the cat desparately going through my draw, may be trying to find my noise cancellation headphones !!!

   Richard Blumenthal clarifies - he served at 'Vie et Nam' a restaurant in Greenwich