Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The conversation between your fingers and someone else's skin is the most magnificent discussion you can ever have.

   A camp fire is alot like masterbation. As long as you have wood you can keep yourself entertained. But when its gone the fun is over.

   R.I.P. To The B$tches Dying For Attention

   I think we can all learn something from Rodney Kings death.....Never ever ever under any circumstances have a pool party with Robert Wagner!

   Confused the Facebook status box with Google search, and I don't have to go to any more family functions.

   wondering why you never see, "My resolution is to eat more fried foods, drink every day, oh!!! And take up smoking too!!!

   Online jokes have really suffered in this ecomedy. (exhibit A)

   When my wife said she was leaving me yesterday because she insists I'm gay, I had to fight back tears. I'd only just applied my mascara.

   Muffins are just ugly cupcakes

   Lets get this right once and for all: There is NO such thing as a male purse.

   Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It just means that you found the right medication.

   If Friday ever came up missing... than more than likely Monday had something to do with it!

   Some people have such annoying habits, for instance-breathing...

   I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, 'I'd tap that.'

   If someone is in the next stall while I'm using the men's room I like to yell that my water just broke.

   Believe me, I have been trying really hard to pay attention to what you have to say, but somehow, not giving a sh*t always gets in the way.

   Ran out of toilet paper... So I looked around for a suitable replacement. Found a box of Kleenex. Should've examined the box a little closer as it had an added bonus of Vicks Vapor Rub. Now the butt is icy hot. :/

   They say "dress for the job you want", but no one seems to understand the only job I want is to be the new Hamburger Helper Helping Hand.

   There is no angry way to say 'bubbles.'

   I call my lovemaking technique the "Bond Martini" because it leaves women shaken, not stirred.