Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I love dieting I'm actually on 4 diets: Chinese, American, Italian and Mexican.
←Rate | 07-10-2017 17:03 by Aerotim Comments (0)  


   messageicon The Bachelor is the show that answers the question "How much wine do you have to drink until you think the guy making out with twenty different women would make a good husband?"
←Rate | 09-20-2017 08:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can't make this stuff up? Actually, you can... it's called lying.
←Rate | 10-16-2017 08:23 Comments (2)  


   messageicon My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn. She called me over here an hour ago to fix her sink and I'm still fixing the sink.
←Rate | 11-05-2017 06:26 Comments (0)  


   messageicon To find your cool robot name, take the first 16 digits of your credit card & combine it with the expiration date and security code. What's yours?
←Rate | 11-01-2017 09:01 by Barber Comments (0)  


   messageicon A cup of coffee so strong it doesn’t just pick me up, it reenacts the lift scene from Dirty Dancing.
←Rate | 11-04-2017 00:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dating site for pyromaniacs: Match.com
←Rate | 10-19-2017 19:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Can anyone recommend a good book to tell people I'm reading?
←Rate | 10-28-2017 18:02 by flinnie Comments (2)  


   messageicon My stripper name is... Get off the pole, ma'am, this is Home Depot.
←Rate | 10-26-2017 15:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I gained an hour last weekend. I spent that hour figuring out how to change the clock in my car
←Rate | 11-06-2017 15:24 by FastPhil Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What's next, more things?? That's how they get you
←Rate | 10-22-2017 08:11 by andrewjackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon The thing that truly makes amusement park rides scary is that you are entrusting your life to a teenager that is earning minimum wage to make sure you are securely fastened into your seat.
←Rate | 10-11-2017 06:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When do Boy Scout cookies go on sale?
←Rate | 10-12-2017 05:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon my theory: every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
←Rate | 10-12-2017 06:02 by andrewjackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.
←Rate | 04-24-2017 16:41 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Next time you find yourself complaining on your $600 smartphone, put it down and rethink your life.
←Rate | 09-16-2017 22:36 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
←Rate | 09-21-2017 07:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not sure who will be performing at the Super Bowl half-time this season but I am already furious about it
←Rate | 09-26-2017 08:59 by markf Comments (0)  


   messageicon No one has more to say than the woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.
←Rate | 09-19-2017 09:07 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hey here is something I learned and wanted to pass along -- you can donate to the Hurricane Relief fund and not tell anyone.
←Rate | 09-27-2017 00:21 Comments (0)  



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