Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Facebook Status Messages or Whatsapp updates and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
←Rate | 02-08-2018 03:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!
←Rate | 04-25-2017 15:38 by John Y Comments (0)  


   messageicon Any coincidence that OJ gets parole about the same time that Ford Motor Company brings back the Bronco?
←Rate | 09-16-2017 22:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I always regret making a good first impression. Because there's no way I can keep that up for long.
←Rate | 09-27-2019 22:35 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can say "Have a nice day!" with no problem but you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours." without sounding mildly threatening.
←Rate | 10-13-2018 22:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Crayons are a lot like M & M's, all the colors taste the same.
←Rate | 07-20-2020 16:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they're back
←Rate | 10-18-2019 06:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear... You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
←Rate | 10-20-2019 12:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return. ~Me flirting
←Rate | 03-03-2020 09:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Homeschooling day 4: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
←Rate | 03-26-2020 10:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
←Rate | 04-07-2020 19:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’d grill your cheese. ~me, flirting
←Rate | 06-09-2020 08:15 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tried to make my own hand sanitizer but I think I just made a margarita.
←Rate | 06-27-2020 22:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins! Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
←Rate | 07-10-2020 08:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon You can eat gluten-free, organic food without telling everyone at your table.
←Rate | 07-14-2020 07:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon [dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
←Rate | 07-14-2020 15:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I just don't get women.
←Rate | 07-14-2020 19:45 by DJJackson Comments (0)  


   messageicon What does "colder than hell" mean? Isn't everyplace colder than hell?
←Rate | 02-24-2018 23:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not one person asked me how much faster I can run in my new shoes. Being an adult is f'n dumb!!
←Rate | 08-20-2019 16:26 by Fluff!! Comments (0)  


   messageicon Movie Theater Tip: When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
←Rate | 01-24-2019 08:58 Comments (0)  




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