Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Love is free. Loyalty is going to cost you.

   I am a rare diamond, which you had previously mistaken for a very attractive piece of cut glass

   If you hold your shoe up to your ear in public, you can hear the sound of people laughing at you for looking like a dumb-a$$.

   Ever notice that those who have nothing on the inside, are the one's that are the most preoccupied with what is on the outside?

   I bet if you put bacon bits on a bacon strip, you could travel back in time

   If you insist on acting like an idiot then I must insist on treating you like one.

   you don't realize the importance of things until they are taken away from you

   Online jokes have really suffered in this ecomedy. (exhibit A)

   When my wife said she was leaving me yesterday because she insists I'm gay, I had to fight back tears. I'd only just applied my mascara.

   Muffins are just ugly cupcakes

   Lets get this right once and for all: There is NO such thing as a male purse.

   Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It just means that you found the right medication.

   If Friday ever came up missing... than more than likely Monday had something to do with it!

   Some people have such annoying habits, for instance-breathing...

   I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, 'I'd tap that.'

   If someone is in the next stall while I'm using the men's room I like to yell that my water just broke.

   Believe me, I have been trying really hard to pay attention to what you have to say, but somehow, not giving a sh*t always gets in the way.

   Ran out of toilet paper... So I looked around for a suitable replacement. Found a box of Kleenex. Should've examined the box a little closer as it had an added bonus of Vicks Vapor Rub. Now the butt is icy hot. :/

   They say "dress for the job you want", but no one seems to understand the only job I want is to be the new Hamburger Helper Helping Hand.

   There is no angry way to say 'bubbles.'