Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i doubt you're really laughing out loud

   Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

   sometimes, even the smallest apology will make me feel better; but most of the time, I think you're full of SH!T.

   visiting all 6.3 million web pages about 'obsessive personality'.

   I'm multi-talented, I can talk and piss you off at the same time

   Saturday, brought to you by the people that brought you coolers, ice, and cold beer.

   considering the irony of someone actually "butt-dialing" their proctologist

   I'm calling child protective services on Mother Nature.

   I like my men like I like my ice. Crushed and melts away within a reasonable time so I don't have to deal with it.

   last minute stocking stuffer gift idea... knee-pads for the wife!

   I think my dirty clothes are lazy....I've given them a whole week and they still haven't moved any closer to the washer.

   You can take your "third time's a charm" and shove it right up your "I deserve a second chance."

   Please pray for the guy holding his girlfriend's hand and trying to use his phone with his other hand. You can do it buddy.

   Country music was much better back when they sang about murdering people all the time

   Adorable when people think that I’d care enough to hate them.

   If you think my lunchbox looks a lot like a 12 pack, you're right... except there's only 4 left now! :)

   Respect is earned, Honesty is appreciated, Love is gained and Loyalty is returned.

   Every Bond movie is like a porno that never happens.

   Let's just say, if prematurely ejaculation was an Olympics sport, I would come first.

   dont act like you've never passed out in the middle of the street in roller blades