Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not lazy. I vacuumed today. I believe vacuum is the scientific term for it...

   Local news is like Facebook. You get stories you don't care about, some jerk talks about weather and it all ends with pictures of animals doing funny stuff.

   I want to meet the skeletons in your closet...

   at the zoo today with all the little kids running around, oh wait a minute its just Walmart.

   Dose the show glee remind anyone of the Mickey Mouse clubhouse?

   Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.

   I wish Caillou the very best, but there is no way that whiny brat is surviving past middle school!

   What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association

   Pain changes people. Don't hurt them if you don't want them to change on you.

   what's the difference between 'fat chance' and 'slim chance'?

   in the future i'm gonna be telling my kids "back in my day we sat the DVD player on top of the tv"

   I sleep peacefully knowing negative energy can always be transformed into a one night stand.

   According to the BBC, Harold Camping cannot be found today which made me laugh. Now we can all have a bit of peace!

   i doubt you're really laughing out loud

   Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

   sometimes, even the smallest apology will make me feel better; but most of the time, I think you're full of SH!T.

   visiting all 6.3 million web pages about 'obsessive personality'.

   I'm multi-talented, I can talk and piss you off at the same time

   Saturday, brought to you by the people that brought you coolers, ice, and cold beer.

   considering the irony of someone actually "butt-dialing" their proctologist