Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In all fairness - now that President Obama has shown his long form birth certificate... He should demand Trump to show that his hair is real and to prove it or just finally shut up!! As he's starting to sound crazier than Charlie Sheen!! Winning

   Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

   If I am ever in the middle of a shooting, I will just lay on the floor and act like someone already killed me.

   I keep a baseball bat under the bed just in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me..

   heres an idea, only post orginal stuff that you thought of. if you post something you think is "so funny" from another website..weve heard it already.

   Hey got a new challenge for you Trumpster haters... Post a pic of you tearing your stimulus check up on social media.

   I wonder if Cher is going to get lonely once the rest of us have died.

   I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

   Why do you keep liking your own status? Of course you would like it, you f**king posted it!

   Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am, and my attitude depends on who you are.

   I ain't talking about Floyd when I say I love May weather.

   President and Michelle Obama had a great interview in this months Vogue Magazine about fashion. All of America's problems are now solved.

   I've got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let's do this!

   Tell her she's beautiful instead of hot. She's a woman, not a temperature

   The president of Pepsi announced that he is leaving the company after less than a year on the job. The company isn't sure but they think he might have a Coke problem.

   I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I think it's bullshit.

   If you say "Gullible" slowly, it sounds like "Oranges"..

   You know its going to be a bad week when skinny dipping while drunk at a holy site isn't your party's biggest scandal.

   Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick

   People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards.