Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *girl look's at her moms drivers license* Girl: Mom, I know why dad left you! mom: Oh yeah, why? Girl: Because you got an F in sex.

   Sterling got shafted by "BLACK MERICA".

   How come we pay guys millions a year to toss a ball around, then when our teachers ask for a raise, we say they already make enough

   People want a RELATIONSHIP, but always find themselves in a RELATIONSH!T.......Which one are you in?

   Get your tongue out of my mouth !...I'm trying to kiss you good-bye !

   Changing the wording to my previous post doesn't make the previous status any funnier

   'I love having sex with you' doesn't mean, 'I'm only having sex with you'

   In all fairness - now that President Obama has shown his long form birth certificate... He should demand Trump to show that his hair is real and to prove it or just finally shut up!! As he's starting to sound crazier than Charlie Sheen!! Winning

   Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

   If I am ever in the middle of a shooting, I will just lay on the floor and act like someone already killed me.

   I keep a baseball bat under the bed just in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me..

   heres an idea, only post orginal stuff that you thought of. if you post something you think is "so funny" from another website..weve heard it already.

   Hey got a new challenge for you Trumpster haters... Post a pic of you tearing your stimulus check up on social media.

   I wonder if Cher is going to get lonely once the rest of us have died.

   Why do you keep liking your own status? Of course you would like it, you f**king posted it!

   I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

   Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am, and my attitude depends on who you are.

   I ain't talking about Floyd when I say I love May weather.

   President and Michelle Obama had a great interview in this months Vogue Magazine about fashion. All of America's problems are now solved.

   I've got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let's do this!