Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..it's so cold that Britney Spears made sure she was wearing underwear before she went out.

   got a compliment from the lady at the bank this morning- she said I had an OUTSTANDING balance!!

   George Michael has been forced to give hand jobs to his fellow in-mates before having to make hot chocolate for them. He is currently working on a new single about his time inside called 'Wank me off before your cocoa"

   I stepped on a corn flake in the kitchen, does that make me a cereal killer?

   Thinks Justin Biebers new haircut makes her look too mature! slow down girl, you got plenty of time to blossom into a woman!

   I nicknamed my legs ‘options' because I like to keep them open.

   No one cares about your problems. Take your clothes off.

   wondering if blacks call it "Ask" Body Spray...

   thinks when life hands me lemons, I think Great, more stuff to throw at the Raccoon that lives in my attic!

   just came out of KFC with a Family Feast and some awesome sides. A poor homeless man sat there and said, "I haven't eaten for two days". I said, "I wish I had your f*ing willpower!".

   can't understand the the problem with "Don't Ask Don't Tell" - the Catholic Church has been using it for hundreds of years, and it's never been a problem

   Aaa the economy. The only people doing good is some black guy, his wife, two daughters.. and they live in a big white house they don't belong in. . .

   You know you're getting old when you hide the year of your date of birth on your profile.

   *girl look's at her moms drivers license* Girl: Mom, I know why dad left you! mom: Oh yeah, why? Girl: Because you got an F in sex.

   Sterling got shafted by "BLACK MERICA".

   How come we pay guys millions a year to toss a ball around, then when our teachers ask for a raise, we say they already make enough

   People want a RELATIONSHIP, but always find themselves in a RELATIONSH!T.......Which one are you in?

   Get your tongue out of my mouth !...I'm trying to kiss you good-bye !

   Changing the wording to my previous post doesn't make the previous status any funnier

   'I love having sex with you' doesn't mean, 'I'm only having sex with you'