Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm sorry,Mr. Wasp,but I had to kill you. You're too stupid to see my kitchen window and kept smacking into it. And too stupid to see me trying to help you. Stupidity isn't acceptable in my household. You had to go.

   I think it is funny as hell. Then again I love my own brand of comedy!!

   Ur as slutty as a bowling ball, you get picked up, fingered, thrown down an alley and still come back for more...=P

   I make, picking up my dry cleaning, look like a drug deal. That way people always wonder what I am laundering!

   23 more days until I return my crappy gifts for stuff I really want.

   90% of married men cheat on their wives in the US.....the rest go to thailand

   september ends tomorrow..so dont forget to wake me up!!!

   Dear Santa: I would like a bailout and a bonus. I have been really bad this year and therefore I deserve it.

   Valentines Day...The perfect day to buy your "someone special" a card with someone else's words and overpriced flowers. Ahhh, who said romance is gone?

   Eclipse recently came out. Who wants to stand at the front of the movie theaters and take away man-cards with me? Every guy I see going to watch it will have his man-card automatically suspended and recommended for permanent expulsion from the Male gender

   They say listening to Justin Bieber is the gateway drug to taking a w iener in your butt.

   Golly, I'm not quite sure if it's cold outside. Could someone please post a picture of the temperature in their car? Anyone? ツ

   I'm terrible with people's names. For example: I've known this guy Steve for years and just realized her name is actually Stacy.

   Apparently, armored truck drivers don't really like surprise hugs as much as I thought they would

   The Mayans were right. There will be no new year this year, first sign...D!ck Clark is dead.

   I am sick but I must say that I am extremely sexy with my hair all mushed up and my body glistening with Vicks rub...

   Not everyone can go down in history, but if you play your cards right...You can go down on me.

   The Scarecrow didn't have the brains, Tin Man didn't have the heart, and the Lion didn't have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

   Let's face it, if jizz tasted good, none of us would have been born.

   Maybe if the Spaniards hadn't wiped them all out, the Mayans would have completed their f*cking calendar!