Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Golly, I'm not quite sure if it's cold outside. Could someone please post a picture of the temperature in their car? Anyone? ツ

   I'm terrible with people's names. For example: I've known this guy Steve for years and just realized her name is actually Stacy.

   Apparently, armored truck drivers don't really like surprise hugs as much as I thought they would

   The Mayans were right. There will be no new year this year, first sign...D!ck Clark is dead.

   I am sick but I must say that I am extremely sexy with my hair all mushed up and my body glistening with Vicks rub...

   Not everyone can go down in history, but if you play your cards right...You can go down on me.

   The Scarecrow didn't have the brains, Tin Man didn't have the heart, and the Lion didn't have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

   Let's face it, if jizz tasted good, none of us would have been born.

   Maybe if the Spaniards hadn't wiped them all out, the Mayans would have completed their f*cking calendar!

   When dogs sniff and pee on a tree, that's like their facebook.

   has 32 friends online right now on a Friday night....Your all a bunch of losers...I am proud to be one of you.......!

   You know it's going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with... "Are you sitting down?"

   that awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.

   Quick question: If you're in a car with someone who talks a mile a minute, will going 60mph in reverse shut them up?

   ‎...I just dropped a handful of skittles in the toilet and flushed..... it was like watching a Nascar race @ Bristol

   Right now , Satan has Osama bent over and giving him his reward .

   Transformers 3: if you keep saving the world, you will never run out of hot girlfriends..!

   Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.

   This fake headache sure feels like me leaving work early. 

   I've decided that my years of experience as a Nurse will help me become a millionaire. I've designed a new adult diaper which is as comfortable as a huggie and is made from Sham Wow fabric. I'm calling it "The Sham Pooey".