Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 2985 of 6446

Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half.

That Al-Queda #2 position is cursed. It's like being on the cover of Madden.

Ladies; True Love is when he holds your hair back while you're giving him a bl0wjob.
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06-14-2012 10:19 by Baddie
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Had to stop suddenly, and almost got "Sandusky'd" by the car behind me!
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06-23-2012 09:49 by Rokn
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Sometimes God doesn't giveyou what you think you want.Not because you don't deserve it, but because you deserve better.
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07-05-2012 14:10
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I have an army of decapitated gummy bears on my desk. When someone asks me a stupid question, I bite the head off another & stare at them.
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07-07-2012 07:39
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2012 has arrived on schedule. Please wait until the New Year has come to a complete STOP before unfastening your seatbelts....
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01-01-2012 08:41 by MTQ
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A girl plays with your mind. A woman explores it.
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01-13-2012 09:47 by Czovczov
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GUYS: If you're lookin' for an easy bang, any girl that has her Blackberry PIN in her bio is the answer.
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01-14-2012 13:02
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I think you women are on to something...shoe shopping does make you feel better!!
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01-24-2012 19:16 by potter
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I think HR just keeps me around to help them write their new hand book. Every time I get called there they say "oh I've got to write this down!"
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01-25-2012 15:10
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Ladies, before you moisturize your elbows, know that I've never heard 2 guys, "How were her elbows?" "Oh, they was moist."

you know you're getting old when the morning after pill is a percocet
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01-29-2012 22:59 by Yaj
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decorating for my stupid sisters baby shower using condoms as balloons..
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02-01-2012 13:58 by jeneralee
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I noticed a lot of celebrities seem to drown in the bathtub...Perhaps a business that tattoos "industrial grade" sand strips to their asses is in order. I'm looking for investors! ツ

I am giving up a few negative people for lent. So, if you call,text,tweet or email and I don't get to back to you?? Odds are it was you.
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02-23-2012 04:59
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Laxatives are the best cough suppressant.
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02-28-2012 10:44 by Missy
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The one reason I could never become a vegetarian....Bacon.
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02-29-2012 09:40 by K-Mac
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Loves how my niece thinks "scratching my back" is a "game"
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02-29-2012 22:56
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Nothing says I can't pull out like a mini van.