Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The problem with friends with benefits is that the out-of-pocket costs are too high.

   I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

   i still have my Halloween Decorations up from last year....whose looking pretty smart about right now?

   Just my saw neighbor and asked "how are the little ones?" "Oh fine, out of school soon." Apparently she didn't realize I meant her breasts.

   If I had a dollar for every time I've had sex, I'd be a really affordable prostitute.

   I can always tell if someone is a murderer within the first 5 seconds of them stabbing me.

   Hey, people who start stories with, "You're not gonna believe this!" Calm down. We'll probably believe it.

   I'm 87% sure "snooze button" time is sped up and "waiting for the microwave" time is slowed down and this is not okay.

   Always have faith and believe in yourself........well... because... the rest of us think you're an idiot!!!

   I'm never ok with Chris Brown hitting women...unless we're talking about Justin Bieber.

   They say lethal injection causes no pain. How do they know?

   My biggest fear is getting stuck in a soundproof glass box. Not because I'd suffocate, but because people might think I'm a mime

   Think befor you speak, Google befor you post !

   MY New neighbor just moved here from FarmVille. Keeps asking for help with EVERYTHING.

   Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half.

   That Al-Queda #2 position is cursed. It's like being on the cover of Madden.

   Ladies; True Love is when he holds your hair back while you're giving him a bl0wjob.

   Had to stop suddenly, and almost got "Sandusky'd" by the car behind me!

   Sometimes God doesn't giveyou what you think you want.Not because you don't deserve it, but because you deserve better.

   I have an army of decapitated gummy bears on my desk. When someone asks me a stupid question, I bite the head off another & stare at them.