Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Beware of the half truth. You may have gotten hold of the wrong half.

   That Al-Queda #2 position is cursed. It's like being on the cover of Madden.

   Ladies; True Love is when he holds your hair back while you're giving him a bl0wjob.

   Had to stop suddenly, and almost got "Sandusky'd" by the car behind me!

   Sometimes God doesn't giveyou what you think you want.Not because you don't deserve it, but because you deserve better.

   I have an army of decapitated gummy bears on my desk. When someone asks me a stupid question, I bite the head off another & stare at them.

   2012 has arrived on schedule. Please wait until the New Year has come to a complete STOP before unfastening your seatbelts....

   A girl plays with your mind. A woman explores it.

   GUYS: If you're lookin' for an easy bang, any girl that has her Blackberry PIN in her bio is the answer.

   I think you women are on to something...shoe shopping does make you feel better!!

   I think HR just keeps me around to help them write their new hand book. Every time I get called there they say "oh I've got to write this down!"

   Ladies, before you moisturize your elbows, know that I've never heard 2 guys, "How were her elbows?" "Oh, they was moist."

   you know you're getting old when the morning after pill is a percocet

   decorating for my stupid sisters baby shower using condoms as balloons..

   I noticed a lot of celebrities seem to drown in the bathtub...Perhaps a business that tattoos "industrial grade" sand strips to their asses is in order. I'm looking for investors! ツ

   I am giving up a few negative people for lent. So, if you call,text,tweet or email and I don't get to back to you?? Odds are it was you.

   Laxatives are the best cough suppressant.

   The one reason I could never become a vegetarian....Bacon.

   Loves how my niece thinks "scratching my back" is a "game"

   Nothing says I can't pull out like a mini van.