Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You play your Candy Crush. I'll play with myself.

   Dear Curiosity: Just put the gun down and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Cat.

   I'm so hungry right now that Angelina Jolie would adopt me....

   "Help, I've fallen and can't get up. No, wait! It's comfy down here. Can someone pass me a pillow? And the remote

   If recent events has taught us anything it is that you can never completely trust a Weiner.

   I'm actually really good at computers if you ask my grandma

   The problem with friends with benefits is that the out-of-pocket costs are too high.

   I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

   i still have my Halloween Decorations up from last year....whose looking pretty smart about right now?

   Just my saw neighbor and asked "how are the little ones?" "Oh fine, out of school soon." Apparently she didn't realize I meant her breasts.

   If I had a dollar for every time I've had sex, I'd be a really affordable prostitute.

   I can always tell if someone is a murderer within the first 5 seconds of them stabbing me.

   Hey, people who start stories with, "You're not gonna believe this!" Calm down. We'll probably believe it.

   I'm 87% sure "snooze button" time is sped up and "waiting for the microwave" time is slowed down and this is not okay.

   Always have faith and believe in yourself........well... because... the rest of us think you're an idiot!!!

   I'm never ok with Chris Brown hitting women...unless we're talking about Justin Bieber.

   They say lethal injection causes no pain. How do they know?

   My biggest fear is getting stuck in a soundproof glass box. Not because I'd suffocate, but because people might think I'm a mime

   Think befor you speak, Google befor you post !

   MY New neighbor just moved here from FarmVille. Keeps asking for help with EVERYTHING.