Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon You play your Candy Crush. I'll play with myself.
←Rate | 07-02-2013 16:50 by BigSarge Comments (0)  


   messageicon Dear Curiosity: Just put the gun down and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Cat.
←Rate | 07-02-2013 18:48 by Tim Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm so hungry right now that Angelina Jolie would adopt me....
←Rate | 07-05-2013 00:37 Comments (0)  


   messageicon "Help, I've fallen and can't get up. No, wait! It's comfy down here. Can someone pass me a pillow? And the remote
←Rate | 07-13-2013 15:36 by Miladyvictorian Comments (0)  


   messageicon If recent events has taught us anything it is that you can never completely trust a Weiner.
←Rate | 07-24-2013 10:10 by m Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm actually really good at computers if you ask my grandma
←Rate | 07-27-2013 09:31 by snotty Comments (0)  


   messageicon The problem with friends with benefits is that the out-of-pocket costs are too high.
←Rate | 08-21-2013 14:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
←Rate | 08-24-2013 10:41 by Aaron Comments (1)  


   messageicon i still have my Halloween Decorations up from last year....whose looking pretty smart about right now?
←Rate | 08-24-2013 19:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Just my saw neighbor and asked "how are the little ones?" "Oh fine, out of school soon." Apparently she didn't realize I meant her breasts.
←Rate | 09-08-2013 05:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I had a dollar for every time I've had sex, I'd be a really affordable prostitute.
←Rate | 09-09-2013 13:56 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can always tell if someone is a murderer within the first 5 seconds of them stabbing me.
←Rate | 04-22-2012 14:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Hey, people who start stories with, "You're not gonna believe this!" Calm down. We'll probably believe it.
←Rate | 04-24-2012 09:20 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm 87% sure "snooze button" time is sped up and "waiting for the microwave" time is slowed down and this is not okay.
←Rate | 05-06-2012 20:57 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Always have faith and believe in yourself........well... because... the rest of us think you're an idiot!!!
←Rate | 05-14-2012 05:40 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm never ok with Chris Brown hitting women...unless we're talking about Justin Bieber.
←Rate | 03-06-2012 13:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon They say lethal injection causes no pain. How do they know?
←Rate | 03-12-2012 10:35 by @shaunpatrick01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My biggest fear is getting stuck in a soundproof glass box. Not because I'd suffocate, but because people might think I'm a mime
←Rate | 03-23-2012 09:19 by flinnie Comments (0)  


   messageicon Think befor you speak, Google befor you post !
←Rate | 03-23-2012 13:27 by @iTechnoBoy Comments (1)  


   messageicon MY New neighbor just moved here from FarmVille. Keeps asking for help with EVERYTHING.
←Rate | 03-24-2012 00:30 Comments (0)  




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