Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 2984 of 6446

You play your Candy Crush. I'll play with myself.
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07-02-2013 16:50 by BigSarge
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Dear Curiosity: Just put the gun down and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Cat.
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07-02-2013 18:48 by Tim
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I'm so hungry right now that Angelina Jolie would adopt me....
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07-05-2013 00:37
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"Help, I've fallen and can't get up. No, wait! It's comfy down here. Can someone pass me a pillow? And the remote

If recent events has taught us anything it is that you can never completely trust a Weiner.
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07-24-2013 10:10 by m
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I'm actually really good at computers if you ask my grandma
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07-27-2013 09:31 by snotty
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The problem with friends with benefits is that the out-of-pocket costs are too high.
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08-21-2013 14:35
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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
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08-24-2013 10:41 by Aaron
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i still have my Halloween Decorations up from last year....whose looking pretty smart about right now?
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08-24-2013 19:09
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Just my saw neighbor and asked "how are the little ones?" "Oh fine, out of school soon." Apparently she didn't realize I meant her breasts.
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09-08-2013 05:29
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If I had a dollar for every time I've had sex, I'd be a really affordable prostitute.
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09-09-2013 13:56
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I can always tell if someone is a murderer within the first 5 seconds of them stabbing me.
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04-22-2012 14:25
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Hey, people who start stories with, "You're not gonna believe this!" Calm down. We'll probably believe it.
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04-24-2012 09:20 by flinnie
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I'm 87% sure "snooze button" time is sped up and "waiting for the microwave" time is slowed down and this is not okay.
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05-06-2012 20:57
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Always have faith and believe in yourself........well... because... the rest of us think you're an idiot!!!

I'm never ok with Chris Brown hitting women...unless we're talking about Justin Bieber.
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03-06-2012 13:20
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They say lethal injection causes no pain. How do they know?

My biggest fear is getting stuck in a soundproof glass box. Not because I'd suffocate, but because people might think I'm a mime
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03-23-2012 09:19 by flinnie
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Think befor you speak, Google befor you post !

MY New neighbor just moved here from FarmVille. Keeps asking for help with EVERYTHING.
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03-24-2012 00:30
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