Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wait,,,, If I say something in the woods and my wife is not around to hear it,,, am I still wrong?

   ego boost: put a bumper sticker on the car that says "honk if I'm sexy" & then drive very slow

   Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.

   Waking up this morning was a stupid idea.

   for fun put some pop rocks in the cats litter pan

   I propose a rule where girls under 18 must wear a big red tag with their age in bold print...especially in warmer months.

   There are two types of people who can tell you the truth about yourself: an enemy who has lost his temper and a friend who loves you dearly.

   There's nothing wrong with my attitude. It's in full working order.

   “You're not going to find a wife with your shirt untucked!” - An excerpt from my forthcoming book, ‘Think Like A Mom'

   it's finally time to put the coffee away!! Cheers :)

   Damn! Guess I'll cancel my 19 mile high skydive scheduled for next week...

   You play your Candy Crush. I'll play with myself.

   Dear Curiosity: Just put the gun down and let's talk this out. Sincerely, The Cat.

   I'm so hungry right now that Angelina Jolie would adopt me....

   "Help, I've fallen and can't get up. No, wait! It's comfy down here. Can someone pass me a pillow? And the remote

   If recent events has taught us anything it is that you can never completely trust a Weiner.

   I'm actually really good at computers if you ask my grandma

   The problem with friends with benefits is that the out-of-pocket costs are too high.

   I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

   i still have my Halloween Decorations up from last year....whose looking pretty smart about right now?