Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering how to get blood and coffee stains off the ceiling

   wonders if anybody else has a thought that they take the time to type out sometimes...then wonder if it's too crazy to actually say...and erase it?

   CAKES: Sexy when you pop out of them, hilarious when you fall into them

   its all fun and games until someone presses charges!

   I bet you Randy Moss wishes he could be traded again.

   discovered today, that the man sitting next to her had wet himself.

   Am I the only one thats addicted to air?

   You're a woman, obviously you don't understand yourself either.

   Shutting off your phone is the new walking out of the room

   Unless I see a tombstone of someone who died for not doing so, I won't 'like' your post to prove "love Jesus" or hate cancer.

   Some peoples tattoos look like they were done in a jeep going over sweet jumps!

   Sadly, I don't think Fast & Furious sequels are being released fast or furiously enough.

   You call it blacking out. I call it a booze nap.

   EX means: Thanks for the EXperience, Our time has EXpired, now EXit my life..

   It's all fun and games til you lose your wifi..........ok, wife!

   It puts the lotion in the basket!-Me walking by Bath and Body Works in the mall

   I don't trust joggers! It's just a little too coincidental that they are the ones that find all the dead bodies!!!

   Full-Moon out tonight which means all the crazy folks are coming out of the woodwork... and for some reason they've chosen me as their leader...

   The first person that started hiccuping must have been scared to death!

   their a Jehovah Witness Protection Program?