Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's all fun and games til you lose your wifi..........ok, wife!

   It puts the lotion in the basket!-Me walking by Bath and Body Works in the mall

   I don't trust joggers! It's just a little too coincidental that they are the ones that find all the dead bodies!!!

   Full-Moon out tonight which means all the crazy folks are coming out of the woodwork... and for some reason they've chosen me as their leader...

   The first person that started hiccuping must have been scared to death!

   their a Jehovah Witness Protection Program?

   It amazes me how many people complain about privacy on Facebook than have there profile set to public. Morons!

   I had a star named for you. Now everyone can look up in the sky and say "look, there's the Tremendous Ass!".

   Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.

   Some people mistake kindness as an invitation to suck the goddamn life right out of ya.

   When someone says they are so so happy, are they really happy or just somewhat happy??

   I’m white but I’m not Betty White.

   It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I'll pay this time , but I'm not happy ... !!

   A recent survey showed that more than 73% of all recent survey statistics are made up.

   Women are like drinks in a party; if you leave them alone, someone will steal them.

   Some people think it's them against the world, when actually, it's usually them against themselves.

   There's always a window of opportunity in your room for improvement.

   "MORNING!" "MORNING!" "HEY!" "YO!" "NICE DAY!" "YEAH!" "I LIKE SEEDS!" "ME TOO!" "I HATE CATS!" "SO DO I!" - birds at 4:30 am

   Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

   Life is too short to be angry and hold grudges. Just slap them in the face and move on!