Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No Miley, Santa doesn’t have a "twerkshop"

   Why is that people who always demand respect have done the least to earn it?

   The friend-zone is the only place that has more deflated balls than a patriots game.

   Single Awareness Day ..... it's a S.A.D. day

   If by "artist" you mean "good at drawing conclusions" then yes, I'm effing Picaso.

   My son asked me what marriage is like, so I ignroed him and walked away.

   My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

   some of you people are taking the term Fat Tuesday way too seriously

   Don't speak unless you can improve the silence.

   One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"

   Married people die longer.

   I confuse metaphors like its my business

   My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I'm telling people she's my girlfriend.

   Vodka works better than Mistletoe at Christmas Parties. That's because with Vodka someone is getting kissed whether they want it or not.

   Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day... Give a man a poisonous fish and you'll feed him for the rest of his life

   I wish minimum wage went up as much as the price of postage stamps...

   I don't know whats worse, getting your ass kicked by kanye West or getting hit by a smart car.

   This game is making me hungry for Omaha steaks

   If I used to flirt with you everyday and then I suddenly stopped, don't stress. Its not because I no longer find you hot and attractive. It's probably because I received a death threat from your husband.

   Bruce Jenner looks like a FREAK ! Damn Dude, enough with the plastic surgery and hair implants...just grow old gracefully!