Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I found out I don't have testicular cancer. My dentist told me after I woke up. Nice guy, he didn't charge me.

   Who give's a rat's a$$ if its your first time to post here! Stop trying to get some attention and post something funny already.

   Little-known fact: that Quaker guy on the oatmeal box is naked from the waist down.

   We really owe it to our friends to tell them when their baby is ugly.

   I always cry at the end of Shawshank Redemption because Andy never finished carving that chess set.

   Facebook feels a lot like Group Therapy...only everyone is talking at once and no one wants to be cured

   I phoned the Procrastinators Helpline... They took my number and said they'd get back to me :/

   You know your Twitter timeline is boring when you get unfollowed by a spambot.

   I was reading the ten commandments and got to "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" and I remembered where I left my wallet.

   I just discovered I have a super power! I can be invisible... Oh no no wait, I'm just being ignored.

   Feminist must be so offended every time they need to use a restroom and see the figure on the door still wearing a dress.

   My flyswatter is such a buzz kill

   They should make a app for the IPhone that yells "Code Blue Stat" when the battery is weak.

   Man posted "saved 30 people from a fire" 2 ppl like this, female half naked in her pic posted "the mail man didnt come today"= 65 ppl like this

   Think she might leave you? Take pictures of her naked in case she does.

   H.O.E.S. Happily Offering Everyone Sex.

   very funny Scotty; now beam down my clothes !!!

   To all the people who wanted change in 2008-This November time's up

   (╮°-°)╮┳━┳ " make me a Sandwich!" .. Girlfriend : ( -.-) "HELL NO!" ... (╯°□°)╯ ┻━┻ "THE HELL YOU SAY?!?"

   I banged my best friends mom, I guess this makes me his best motherf*cking friend!