Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I let my girlfriend wear the pants in our relationship, but it's me that decides when they come off!

   I'm not exactly sure what my doctor gave me, but I've decided I like being sick. The walls keep waving at me and saying very complimentary things. It's kinda awesome and I never want to get better.

   I'm doing 'Angry Yoga' tonight. It's just lying on the floor drinking a bottle of whiskey as I shout at my man b00bs.

   Judging by how The Hulk speaks, he reacted badly to grammar rays as well.

   Dance like no one is watching or just stop dancing in public you weirdo.

   I got caught talking to myself today, so to avoid embarrassment, I pretended to be a tree until they left.

   Little Boys shouldn't play Big Boy games.

   I hurt my back playing golf today,I fell off the ball washing machine.

   I just thought of something. What happens if you become addicted to cold turkey?

   The worst part about eating with vegetarians is everything.

   Proving other people wrong with your success is pretty selfish. Proving everyone else right by failing miserably shows you've got class

   Closed due to hangover. But don't worry, I have a note from my bartender.

   Man Rule #4: Never let your Wife be the last one on your street to bring the trash bins in.

   Kid birthday parties should just be called get your child sick gatherings.

   I found out I don't have testicular cancer. My dentist told me after I woke up. Nice guy, he didn't charge me.

   Who give's a rat's a$$ if its your first time to post here! Stop trying to get some attention and post something funny already.

   Little-known fact: that Quaker guy on the oatmeal box is naked from the waist down.

   We really owe it to our friends to tell them when their baby is ugly.

   I always cry at the end of Shawshank Redemption because Andy never finished carving that chess set.

   Facebook feels a lot like Group Therapy...only everyone is talking at once and no one wants to be cured