Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love pressing buttons, so as you can imagine this makes it really difficult for me to be around nipples

   "Do you agree to our Terms and Conditions?" - The question that will someday come back to haunt us all.

   Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, made the dinner.

   I'm getting a seeing eye dog and never looking up from my phone again.

   The best way to get over a girl is get under a different one....

   We forget that it was Ben Franklin who said fish and guests smell after three days, and that Ben Franklin was a notorious guest murderer.

   I let my girlfriend wear the pants in our relationship, but it's me that decides when they come off!

   I'm not exactly sure what my doctor gave me, but I've decided I like being sick. The walls keep waving at me and saying very complimentary things. It's kinda awesome and I never want to get better.

   I'm doing 'Angry Yoga' tonight. It's just lying on the floor drinking a bottle of whiskey as I shout at my man b00bs.

   Judging by how The Hulk speaks, he reacted badly to grammar rays as well.

   Dance like no one is watching or just stop dancing in public you weirdo.

   I got caught talking to myself today, so to avoid embarrassment, I pretended to be a tree until they left.

   Little Boys shouldn't play Big Boy games.

   I hurt my back playing golf today,I fell off the ball washing machine.

   I just thought of something. What happens if you become addicted to cold turkey?

   The worst part about eating with vegetarians is everything.

   Proving other people wrong with your success is pretty selfish. Proving everyone else right by failing miserably shows you've got class

   Closed due to hangover. But don't worry, I have a note from my bartender.

   Man Rule #4: Never let your Wife be the last one on your street to bring the trash bins in.

   Kid birthday parties should just be called get your child sick gatherings.