Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

   never playing truth or dare again...

   "Heaven is where the Police are British, the Chefs are French, the Mechanics are German, the Lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss.

   congratulates Chris CMac on discovering his stream of consciousness - lame Chris but at least you're thinking

   One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

   My buddy Jim has an impressive New Year's resolution. No more sex, no beer, no football, no nights out with the guys and no looking at other women. He's getting married tonight!!

   Note to self: Next time I'm sleepy or feel tired @ work...bring some habañero peppers to munch on.

   thinks that the older I get , the more young people look the same...That, or Justin Bieber just delivered my nespaper.

   "Diamonds are forever. But so is herpes." This is why I never get hired to write advertising campaigns.

   Jethro Leroy Gibbs>The President address

   Happy and Safe New Year and Enjoy a Wonderful 2010 ~ Worry Less and Relax More ~

   Women prefer men who have something tender about them -- especially the financial kind.

   been trying to remember the name of that disease that causes baldness, but I can't think of it off the top of my head.

   Marriage is nature's way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.

   wonders if real mafia dudes sit around playing "Boring-ass normal people wars"?

   when I go to Starbucks and the cashier asks me my name so the barista can call out my order, I say "Latte."

   I found out one of the fundamental differences between my girl and I today. While at the state fair we were walking through the animal barns and while she began ranking animals in order of cuteness, I found myself ranking them in order of deliciousness.

   Ok ladies, a night with me will give you examples for your future daughters of what kind of guy to watch out for, but in the meantime, it will give you one hell of a story to tell your girlfriends!

   I'm not saying our schools suck, but after one day of sex ed, my kid thinks single parents are the result of masturbation.

   If anyone has trouble finding the key to my heart, I keep an extra set under the stones in my kidney.