Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gonna make a milkshake to see if it'll bring all the boys to my yard.....I need one to pull up the weeds.

   I throw my Spanish in the air sometimes, saying ayo no comprendo

   I had a life once. Now I have an internet connection and a Mac book.

   Marriage is nature's way of keeping people from fighting with strangers.

   wonders if real mafia dudes sit around playing "Boring-ass normal people wars"?

   never playing truth or dare again...

   Jethro Leroy Gibbs>The President address

   Happy and Safe New Year and Enjoy a Wonderful 2010 ~ Worry Less and Relax More ~

   Women prefer men who have something tender about them -- especially the financial kind.

   been trying to remember the name of that disease that causes baldness, but I can't think of it off the top of my head.

   "Heaven is where the Police are British, the Chefs are French, the Mechanics are German, the Lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss.

   congratulates Chris CMac on discovering his stream of consciousness - lame Chris but at least you're thinking

   One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

   My buddy Jim has an impressive New Year's resolution. No more sex, no beer, no football, no nights out with the guys and no looking at other women. He's getting married tonight!!

   Note to self: Next time I'm sleepy or feel tired @ work...bring some habañero peppers to munch on.

   thinks that the older I get , the more young people look the same...That, or Justin Bieber just delivered my nespaper.

   "Diamonds are forever. But so is herpes." This is why I never get hired to write advertising campaigns.

   "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." George W. Bush

   I see Boomerangs are making a comeback

   I am anxious about how much Xanax I'm taking.