Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pretty cool how I lock my phone like I won't check it in a minute.

   Things I wish I could unsee: 1. Miley Cyrus twerking 2. Miley Cyrus riding that foam finger 3. Miley Cyrus

   Inspecting mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.

   I stopped talking back to the voices in my head, and now they’ve started texting me…

   If you workout at the gym, but don't post a status about it on Facebook, do you still lose weight?

   Please promise me that you will kill me if I ever get Amanda Bynes crazy.

   "We're losing her." -sanity

   What happened in 2012 stays in 2012...

   I love that you can pee anywhere you want at Wal Mart.

   My girlfriend said I treat her like she doesn't exist so I told her I didn’t even know I had a girlfriend.

   Pro Tip# 101: If someone asks you if you "have a sec" and you answer "I have lots of secs", they will almost always forget their original question...

   Things that make you go hmmmm: If Harry Potter's so magical, why can't he cure his own eyesight?

   Then God made saturn. God liked saturn so he put a ring on it.

   The problem with finding out who your real friends are, is finding out who your real friends aren't

   I'm one of those people that tried this at home.

   when I go to Starbucks and the cashier asks me my name so the barista can call out my order, I say "Latte."

   I found out one of the fundamental differences between my girl and I today. While at the state fair we were walking through the animal barns and while she began ranking animals in order of cuteness, I found myself ranking them in order of deliciousness.

   Ok ladies, a night with me will give you examples for your future daughters of what kind of guy to watch out for, but in the meantime, it will give you one hell of a story to tell your girlfriends!

   I'm not saying our schools suck, but after one day of sex ed, my kid thinks single parents are the result of masturbation.

   If anyone has trouble finding the key to my heart, I keep an extra set under the stones in my kidney.